We gain exclusive access to the higher education WhatsApp groups of the political parties
Keith Joseph woz here ConservativeHE
Sat Gav: Looking for policy ideas for the manifesto, any thoughts?
Skid1: Have you looked in the top drawer of the filing cabinet, I think Jo Johnson left a buff folder there.
JoJo: Why am I still on this list?
Skid1: Didn’t you write the last election manifesto?
JoJo: 2015.
Sat Gav: Well, we haven’t really done anything useful since the 2015 election.
JoJo: What about the Higher Education and Research Act and the Teaching Excellence Framework?
Sat Gav: Like I say, we haven’t really done anything useful since the 2015 election.
Unsubscribe: Jo Johnson has left the group
Skid1: Well done Gav, what now? People will ask what our response to Augar is going to be?
The Wolf of Whitehall: I’m working on this.
Skid1: I’m dead against a cut in tuition fees.
Hinds means beans: Me too.
Sat Gav: Are you still here?
Hinds means beans: As a former secretary of state, I was invited to be part of the group.
Sat Gav: Sorry, thought you were one of those who lost the whip.
Green Justine: That was me.
Sat Gav: You’re on here too? Someone really needs to update the list.
Sammy G: Yes, they really do.
The Wolf of Whitehall: Just leave this to the experts. I have a plan.
Skid1: Rather than say we will cut fees, we could freeze them for the duration of the parliament, which will reduce their value while not giving an attack line to vice-chancellors who would have to argue actively for an increase in fees.
The Wolf of Whitehall: Slow hand clap, keep up genius, anything else?
Sat Gav: What about a bill on free speech on campus?
Skid1: Pointless, unnecessary, wolf whistle politics to appeal to the Tory base
The Wolf of Whitehall: Slow handclap, keep up genius, anything else?
Sat Gav: Whose writing this manifesto, Spiked?
The Wolf of Whitehall: Funny you should say that…
Classic Dom: Just make sure my advanced research projects agency is in there.
The Wolf of Whitehall: That’s on the business department list, Dom.
Leadsom A: Oh no it’s not.
Classic Dom: Sort out this shambles or I’ll come over there and cut off your thumbs with a pickling fork.
Leadsom A: Have you ever seen a pickling fork, before? Didn’t know they had them in Russia.
Classic Dom: That’s it, you’re not getting a SpAD after the election.
Sat Gav: The way the campaign has started none of us will have a SpAD after the election.
Classic Dom: Who elected you president of Remainia? Boris wants the manifesto pledges on his desk by the end of the day so he can work on the manifesto this weekend.
Skid1: I thought he was going to a cottage in the New Forest with Carrie.
Leadsom A: That was last weekend when he should have been reading the select committee report on Russian interference in UK elections.
Sat Gav: This weekend, he’s going to a cottage in the Cotswolds.
Classic Dom: There has been no Russian interference in UK votes!
Long awkward silence
Skid1: Where abouts in the Cotswolds, anywhere nice?
Hinds means beans: Do the new fiscal rules announced by Sajid mean that we can hide the cost of student loans in the public accounts again?
The Wolf of Whitehall: Slow handclap, keep up genius, anything else?
Sat Gav: Stow in the Wold
The Wolf of Whitehall: Is that a policy?
Sat Gav: It’s a place in the Cotswolds.
Leadsom A: Where Boris won’t be reading your manifesto this weekend.
Classic Dom: Any more like that and you’ll be given Northern Ireland after the election.
Leadsom A: I thought we were giving it to the EU?
Hinds means beans: I haven’t seen such little grip on the details of higher education policy since Sam Gyimah was minister.
Sammy G: I’m still here, you know.
Skid1: Taunton?
Sammy G: I think it’s called Trolling now.
Viva el 12 Diciembre LabourHE
Angie R: The details of the National Education Service are needed for Monday.
Gordon4Blackpool: That will be tricky, the commission isn’t due to report until the Spring.
Angie R: Well, could you maybe give us a few bullet points?
Gordon4Blackpool: To be honest, I’ve rather got my hands full in Blackpool this weekend.
Angie R: Marginal constituency?
Gordon4Blackpool: No, it’s the switch on of the Xmas lights.
I❤️Jeremy: I think there may be some rough notes from an event in Liverpool
Angie R: A policy seminar, or, a focus group?
I❤️Jeremy: No, a Billy Bragg concert.
Famous Seumas: What’s keeping the higher education pledges?
Angie R: Trying to iron out a few issues, there are red flags everywhere.
Famous Seaumas: That’s how I like it.
Gordon4Blackpool: Education policy is more difficult than it looks; colleges and universities can be hell.
Famous Seaumas: It’s easy comrade Gordon, would you rather be in a neo-liberal capitalist hell or a socialist hell?
Gordon4Blackpool: The socialist hell, obviously.
Angie R: There would more likely be a shortage of coal.
Famous Seaumas: Any more of that and I’ll come up to Manchester and make you regret it.
Angie R: Are you going to deselect me?
Famous Seaumas: No, I’m going to campaign for you.
Gordon4Blackpool: It would help if we had an easy way to explain the National Education Service to the public.
Famous Seaumas: We just want an education service that makes people happy.
Angie R: It would help if you could forward the list of the people we are trying to make happy.
I❤️Jeremy: The University and College Union, Momentum, Len McCluskey…
Famous Seaumas: Look, we’ve only got a paragraph in the manifesto so just keep it vague beyond saying we’ll cut tuition fees.
Gordon4Blackpool: Vaguer than that?
Angie R: How about a picture of some students smiling as they get their degree results?
I❤️Jeremy: A puppy room? We can promise a safe space for everyone on campus.
Gordon4Blackpool: If you do that, I might be the only one without a safe space on campus.
Famous Seaumas: Whatever you come up with, John wants to see costings for your five-year plan.
Angie R: Stalin!
Famous Seaumas: No, he wants it in a hurry.
Liberal Democrats winning here for HE
Swinson PM: It’s great now that we have 21 MPs, there will be many more ideas to contribute to a Liberal Democrat manifesto. First up, they were a big topic in the last election, any thoughts on universities?
Chuka4Change: I used to be the shadow secretary for business when universities were in the brief.
Swinson PM: Great, any ideas?
Chuka4Change: On what?
Swinson PM: Universities
Chuka4Change: They’re a good thing, mostly…
Sammy G: I was voted best universities minister of 2018
Swinson PM: Great, any ideas?
Sammy G: On what?
Swinson PM: Universities
Sammy G: Not really, Jo Johnson left a buff folder in the top drawer of a filing cabinet in the department for education, whenever we needed an idea we’d look at that.
Swinson PM: Well, what are the big issues in higher education? Who has something to say on tuition fees?
Unsubscribe: Fresh Vince has left the group
Unsubscribe: Minty Lamb has left the group
Unsubscribe: Head Davey has left the group
Unsubscribe: Farron4PM has left the group
Swinson PM: Guys, come back, we can have a new policy on tuition fees.
Sammy G: If I remember right, I think Jo Johnson wanted to increase them.
Unsubscribe: Swinson PM has left the group
Terms of use: this is a free email for fun on a Friday, it should circulate widely like spending pledges on infrastructure in an election campaign. Want to subscribe to the Ivory Tower think tank WhatsApp group? Want to say hello? Email ivorytower@researchresearch.com