Our world-leading biblical scholarship has unearthed another forgotten text.
1.1 Lo there was much confusion in the land of academia for Boris Augustus Caesar said unto the tribes, prepare yourself for the day of Brexodus, again, no ifs nor buts, doeth or dieth.
1.2 And the people of academia said, this is not what we want. But Caesar’s bodyguard, the captain of the Praetorian guard, Dom the ruthless, said unto them, try praying.
1.3 So, the tribes of academia did wail unto the lord and lo they did receive a sign that the prophecy would be fulfilled and the second coming of Jo was close at hand.
2.1 For it is written that Jo will return and free the people of academia from bondage by removing caps on the number of scholars and making a market of the schools.
2.2 It is promised that on the day of Jo’s return the scholars from beyond the valley of Uk will be allowed once more to enter the tents of academia and there will be much rejoicing amongst the high priests and the money lenders who do covet the many shekels of the foreign scholars.
3.1 As Boris Augustus gathered his armies for the day of Brexodus, the prophet Jo did return unto the land of academia.
3.2 The people assembled in the temple to hear Jo speak and much anticipation was there because everyone had forgotten all the terrible things Jo had done the last time he walked amongst the country.
3.3 No longer did the people remember the days of Toby the lesser or Boaty McBoatface, nor the judgments of Jo when he was a lawmaker and did worship the false idol Hera.
4.1 The prophet Jo spake unto the people of academia and sayeth, prepare yourself for the day of Brexodus, no ifs nor buts, for it is the will of my brother Boris Augustus.
4.2 And the people did say unto Jo, eh? We thought that thou art a Remainer, that is why we offer to you the garments of many colours to wear and we hail you as leader of the tribes of academia.
5.1 Joseph, brother of Boris, did say unto the people, it’s complicated, and he spake to them the verses of the ancient prophets:
5.2 I close my eyes, and stand here grinning
5.3 The Tories are still winning, so the pollsters say
5.4 I have come back, the Labour bench is weeping
5.5 My conscience is still sleeping
5.6 Any deal will do
6.1 But the people did marvel at Jo’s fork tongue and did call him an amazing technicoloured turncoat.
6.2 And Jo’s cheeks did burn with shame and he went out into the desert for 50 days and 50 nights and did think long and hard about what he was doing with his life.
7.1 In the desert Jo was sorely tempted by the sight of a ministerial donkey that was sent to pick him up and carry him to the palace of Boris Augustus where he would sit with the other generals of Brexodus.
7.2 But Jo did say, get thee behind me, donkey, for it is written that what does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul? But for a donkey?
8.1 And Jo did come down from the desert and some of the people that he passed spat upon his technicoloured turncoat and shouted that he was a false prophet who should catch himself on.
8.2 Jo went to the temple once more and spake to the people and said, I know not what I was thinking. For Joseph was unresolvably torn between the bonds of his kinsfolk and the interests of the valley of Uk.
8.3 So, Jo sayeth unto the people, I quit.
8.4 And not only did Joseph, brother of Boris, leave aside his robes as leader of the tribes of academia but he sayeth that he was getting out of the prophecy game altogether and going back to writing scrolls for the Financial Times.
9.1 When the news of Jo did reach his brother Boris Augustus, it is said that Caesar did weep for he knew not what he was going to tell his mother now.
9.2 But Dom, captain of Boris Augustus, sayeth unto Caesar, man up, you snowflake, we must give the tribes of academia another prophet who will tell them to prepare for the day of Brexodus, no ifs nor buts.
9.3 Much cunning was there in the heart of Dom, captain of the Praetorian guard, and he did look amongst the generals of Brexodus to anoint a new prophet for the people of academia.
10.1 On the fourth day without a prophet, the people of academia did gather in the temple and wailed unto the lord to send them a new teacher who would show them how to pack up their tents for the days of Brexodus.
10.2 It was at this time that a decree did arrive from Boris Augustus which sayeth that the scholars from beyond the valley of Uk could once more dwell among the tents of the tribes of academia.
10.3 And much rejoicing was there for long had the Pharisees and the tax collectors implored Theresa the queen of Leaver that the foreign scholars should be allowed to study with them.
10.4 “It is like manna from heaven,” sayeth one Pharisee who spaketh to Research Professional News.
11.1 Truly, our cup runneth over, said the people, even if we hath no prophet to guide us through the days of Brexodus.
11.2 Then there shone a great light outside the temple and with the sounds of trumpets, Dom, Caesar’s bodyguard, did arrive on horseback and he sayeth unto the tribes of academia, behold your new prophet, much like the old prophet, Christopher the scribe.
11.3 And the people did say, eh? This is getting to be like an episode of Line of Duty.
11.4 For it is written that David begat Gregory who begat Joseph who begat Samuel, who begat Christopher, who begat Joseph again, who begat Christopher once more, go figure.
12.1 The people of the land of academia did hail Christopher the scribe and offered him the technicoloured robes worn by their prophet.
12.2 And Christopher the scribe did look out over the people assembled in the temple, and then looked over to Dom, captain of the Praetorian guard sitting on horseback sharpening his sword, and then looked back at the people and sayeth, prepare ye for the day of Brexodus, no ifs nor buts, do or die.
12.3 And the people did say, are they the only options?
13.1 So it came to pass that the second coming of Jo was followed by the second coming of Christopher.
13.2 At least until Boris Augustus Caesar calleth an election.
13.3 And the sun set and the sun rose and still the people of the valley of Uk had not picked up their tents and gone out into the desert for the day of Brexodus.
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