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Ivory Tower: exclusive access to the Conservative Party higher education WhatsApp group

NadVax: Now that the conference is out the way, I thought it would be good to put together a Conservative brains trust to finalise our response to Augar and the Comprehensive Spending Review.

Liz4Chevening: That’s me, the Conservative brains Truss.

KwasiDON’TPANIC: I’m not sure if being a Tory truss is a good thing.

GregS&Tchair: Whose Brian Truss? Oh, she said brains trust, awkward…

Chris4Kingswood: Why is she even on here?

NadVax: This list is for everyone still left in the party remotely connected to universities. The British Council is FO.

Chris4Kingswood: It certainly is from what I’ve heard.

NadVax: We really need to come up with a reply to Augar.

Michelle4Cabinet: Has he been asking about if his invoice has been paid, again?

NadVax: No, I mean we finally need to make up our minds about how to respond to that report.

KwasiDON’TPANIC: The one about Michael dancing?

BaronessNickyM: The one about PPE contracts?

NadVax: The one about tuition fees. I’m new to this. Is that right? Anyone?

Michelle4Cabinet: I’m on a train, about to lose signal…

Chris4Kingswood: I’ve got a report on lifelong learning if that helps.

NadVax: Is that the same thing?

EastHampshireDamian: Is this the same report that started under me?

KwasiDON’TPANIC: Who is that? Have we been hacked?

NadVax: Hinds

Liz4Chevening: Beavers!

KwasiDON’TPANIC: Pigs!

AlokGoodCOP: Pet theft?

Liz4Chevening: THAT IS A DISGRACE!

NadVax: Can we stop naming random things from Boris’s speech.

EastHampshireDamian: I was in Boris’s speech?

AlokGoodCOP: You weren’t even at Boris’s speech.

EastHampshireDamian: I had an Amazon delivery.

NadVax: OK, trying to move this on, let me ask you all, are too many people going to university?

NadineKultur: I didn’t.

Liz4Chevening: Gavin Williamson did.

KwasiDON’TPANIC: Too many clueless graduates taking up jobs they are not prepared for with no idea about the real world.

EastHampshireDamian: Are we still talking about Gavin?

SirGavinTBC: I am here you know.

NadVax: What did you do about the Augar report?

SirGavinTBC: I’m on a train, about to lose signal…

NadVax: What about BEIS? Does anyone have a view on the cross subsidy of research by tuition fees for undergraduate arts degrees?

KwasiDON’TPANIC: Thank God, just got to the front of this queue. Got to fill up with £30 of diesel, bye.

Liz4Chevening: What does the Treasury think?

EastHampshireDamian: Maybe we should ask the chief secretary to the Treasury who started all this?

Liz4Chevening: Gosh, puppies, that’s amazing. I’ll be right back guys.

NadVax: Does anyone have anything to say?

#JonBonGovey: I want to dance with somebody.

KwasiDON’TPANIC: Has he been on the Zoom again?

AlokGoodCOP: I thought this was WhatsApp?

#JonBonGovey: I’m still on a high after Manchester.

NadVax: Clearly.

#JonBonGovey: It was just so amazing, I wanted to dance all night and hug everyone in the room.

EastHampshireDamian: He’s raving.

PritiTakeBackControl: Raves should be banned.

Liz4Chevening: I think he’s been levelling up.

Michelle4Cabinet: Certainly looks like it.

NadVax: Give me strength, does anyone have anything sensible to say?

PritiTakeBackControl: Send them back!

EastHampshireDamian: Have you been waiting on Amazon too?

PritiTakeBackControl: No, international students.

Chris4Kingswood: Have they arrived yet? I thought lots were still quarantined in hotels.

EastHampshireDamian: The Amazon drivers? That explains a lot.

RaabHighChancellor: Lock them up!

EastHampshireDamian: Bit harsh on Amazon drivers. I thought there was a shortage.

Chris4Kingswood: Are they locked up in the quarantine hotels as well?

Liz4Chevening: We are talking about universities not prisons.

RaabHighChancellor: I had not realised the full extent of that.

NadVax: Look, does anyone have a policy on tuition fees?

DouglasRossSFA: Abolish them.

KwasiDON’TPANIC: How did a Corbynite get on here?

DouglasRossSFA: That’s the official Conservative policy in Scotland.

#JonBonGovey: Tense Tory Love Song, I built this thing for you

Chris4Kingswood: Stone Roses?

AlokGoodCOP: Sounds about right.

NadVax: Can we just explore this Scotland thing a bit more?

#JohnBonGovey: I went to the disco on my own and left on my own.

DouglasRossSFA: It’s very popular in Scotland.

EastHampshireDamian: Disco dancing? I thought it was banned on a Sunday.

KwasiDON’TPANIC: Just a pity you’re not.

Chris4Kingswood: He’s banned every day.

AlokGoodCOP: I’m going to Scotland soon, any recommendations?

PritiTakeBackControl: Stay in England.

Liz4Chevening: We’ve just done a trade deal with the Faroe Islands, are they in Scotland?

DouglasRossSFA: See Glasgow and die.

KwasiDON’TPANIC: Is that a recommendation or a warning?

NadVax: I’m at my wit’s end here.

EastHampshireDamian: Like when you used to go on Breakfast TV to defend the government?

Liz4Chevening: Or Newsnight.

AlokGoodCOP: Or Channel 4 News.

KwasiDON’TPANIC: Just as well we don’t speak to the media anymore.

NadVax: For the love of God, can someone just give me a line.

#JonBonGovey: I’ve got some good stuff, you only needed to ask.

NadVax: Anyone else?

SirGavinTBC: You know what I think about this.

NadVax: Anyone else? Please, literally anyone.

#BorisPM: Salutations people! I used to be a universities minister.

#JonBonGovey: Shadow universities.

Michelle4Cabinet: That’s what people keep saying I should do.

NadVax: No, that’s visit universities, it’s different.

Liz4Chevening: I’m also the equalities minister, so I’d like to know how cutting fees will affect women.

Michelle4Cabinet: Some say lowering the repayment threshold will disproportionately affect women and it would be misogynistic.

RaabHighChancellor: Misogyny is absolutely wrong, whether it’s a man against a woman or a woman against a man.

GregS&Tchair: It was definitely brains trust, not Brian Truss, right?

#JonBonGovey: You can have man against man misogyny now as well, I saw it on Strictly.

Liz4Chevening: That’s the mambo.

NadVax: Look, can someone just tell me what we are going to do about universities?

BorisPM: We will have a high-wages, high-skills, high-productivity economy.

NadVax: And?

BorisPM: Err… low taxes.

KwasiDON’TPANIC: Are you sure that’s right? It sounds economically illiterate to me.

BorisPM: Absolutely! I found this great book on the shelf in Downing Street and I’ve been reading all about creating British jobs for British workers to drive up wages.

Liz4Chevening: Sounds great, what’s it called?

BorisPM: Arguments for Socialism by Tony Benn.

Liz4Chevening has left the group.

KwasiDON’TPANIC has left the group.

GregS&Tchair has left the group.

Michelle4Cabinet has left the group.

AlokGoodCOP has left the group.

DouglasRossSFA has left the group.

Chris4Kingswood has left the group.

NadVax: All I wanted was some advice.

#JonBonGovey: Dance as if no one is watching.

BorisPM: Unfortunately, everyone was, Michael…

#JonBonGovey has left the group.

BorisPM has left the group.

NadVax: Could the last person who cares about universities please put the lights off.

NadVax has left the group.

Terms of use: this is a free email for fun on a Friday, it should be shared among friends like a winter gas bill in a student flat. Want the address of a forecourt with petrol in greater London? Want to say hello? Email ivorytower@researchresearch.com