Ivory Tower: exclusive access to the Conservative Party higher education WhatsApp group
NadVax: Now that the conference is out the way, I thought it would be good to put together a Conservative brains trust to finalise our response to Augar and the Comprehensive Spending Review.
Liz4Chevening: That’s me, the Conservative brains Truss.
KwasiDON’TPANIC: I’m not sure if being a Tory truss is a good thing.
GregS&Tchair: Whose Brian Truss? Oh, she said brains trust, awkward…
Chris4Kingswood: Why is she even on here?
NadVax: This list is for everyone still left in the party remotely connected to universities. The British Council is FO.
Chris4Kingswood: It certainly is from what I’ve heard.
NadVax: We really need to come up with a reply to Augar.
Michelle4Cabinet: Has he been asking about if his invoice has been paid, again?
NadVax: No, I mean we finally need to make up our minds about how to respond to that report.
KwasiDON’TPANIC: The one about Michael dancing?
BaronessNickyM: The one about PPE contracts?
NadVax: The one about tuition fees. I’m new to this. Is that right? Anyone?
Michelle4Cabinet: I’m on a train, about to lose signal…
Chris4Kingswood: I’ve got a report on lifelong learning if that helps.
NadVax: Is that the same thing?
EastHampshireDamian: Is this the same report that started under me?
KwasiDON’TPANIC: Who is that? Have we been hacked?
AlokGoodCOP: Pet theft?
Liz4Chevening: THAT IS A DISGRACE!
NadVax: Can we stop naming random things from Boris’s speech.
EastHampshireDamian: I was in Boris’s speech?
AlokGoodCOP: You weren’t even at Boris’s speech.
EastHampshireDamian: I had an Amazon delivery.
NadVax: OK, trying to move this on, let me ask you all, are too many people going to university?
NadineKultur: I didn’t.
Liz4Chevening: Gavin Williamson did.
KwasiDON’TPANIC: Too many clueless graduates taking up jobs they are not prepared for with no idea about the real world.
EastHampshireDamian: Are we still talking about Gavin?
SirGavinTBC: I am here you know.
NadVax: What did you do about the Augar report?
SirGavinTBC: I’m on a train, about to lose signal…
NadVax: What about BEIS? Does anyone have a view on the cross subsidy of research by tuition fees for undergraduate arts degrees?
KwasiDON’TPANIC: Thank God, just got to the front of this queue. Got to fill up with £30 of diesel, bye.
Liz4Chevening: What does the Treasury think?
EastHampshireDamian: Maybe we should ask the chief secretary to the Treasury who started all this?
Liz4Chevening: Gosh, puppies, that’s amazing. I’ll be right back guys.
NadVax: Does anyone have anything to say?
#JonBonGovey: I want to dance with somebody.
KwasiDON’TPANIC: Has he been on the Zoom again?
AlokGoodCOP: I thought this was WhatsApp?
#JonBonGovey: I’m still on a high after Manchester.
#JonBonGovey: It was just so amazing, I wanted to dance all night and hug everyone in the room.
EastHampshireDamian: He’s raving.
PritiTakeBackControl: Raves should be banned.
Liz4Chevening: I think he’s been levelling up.
Michelle4Cabinet: Certainly looks like it.
NadVax: Give me strength, does anyone have anything sensible to say?
PritiTakeBackControl: Send them back!
EastHampshireDamian: Have you been waiting on Amazon too?
PritiTakeBackControl: No, international students.
Chris4Kingswood: Have they arrived yet? I thought lots were still quarantined in hotels.
EastHampshireDamian: The Amazon drivers? That explains a lot.
RaabHighChancellor: Lock them up!
EastHampshireDamian: Bit harsh on Amazon drivers. I thought there was a shortage.
Chris4Kingswood: Are they locked up in the quarantine hotels as well?
Liz4Chevening: We are talking about universities not prisons.
RaabHighChancellor: I had not realised the full extent of that.
NadVax: Look, does anyone have a policy on tuition fees?
DouglasRossSFA: Abolish them.
KwasiDON’TPANIC: How did a Corbynite get on here?
DouglasRossSFA: That’s the official Conservative policy in Scotland.
#JonBonGovey: Tense Tory Love Song, I built this thing for you…
Chris4Kingswood: Stone Roses?
AlokGoodCOP: Sounds about right.
NadVax: Can we just explore this Scotland thing a bit more?
#JohnBonGovey: I went to the disco on my own and left on my own.
DouglasRossSFA: It’s very popular in Scotland.
EastHampshireDamian: Disco dancing? I thought it was banned on a Sunday.
KwasiDON’TPANIC: Just a pity you’re not.
Chris4Kingswood: He’s banned every day.
AlokGoodCOP: I’m going to Scotland soon, any recommendations?
PritiTakeBackControl: Stay in England.
Liz4Chevening: We’ve just done a trade deal with the Faroe Islands, are they in Scotland?
DouglasRossSFA: See Glasgow and die.
KwasiDON’TPANIC: Is that a recommendation or a warning?
NadVax: I’m at my wit’s end here.
EastHampshireDamian: Like when you used to go on Breakfast TV to defend the government?
Liz4Chevening: Or Newsnight.
AlokGoodCOP: Or Channel 4 News.
KwasiDON’TPANIC: Just as well we don’t speak to the media anymore.
NadVax: For the love of God, can someone just give me a line.
#JonBonGovey: I’ve got some good stuff, you only needed to ask.
NadVax: Anyone else?
SirGavinTBC: You know what I think about this.
NadVax: Anyone else? Please, literally anyone.
#BorisPM: Salutations people! I used to be a universities minister.
#JonBonGovey: Shadow universities.
Michelle4Cabinet: That’s what people keep saying I should do.
NadVax: No, that’s visit universities, it’s different.
Liz4Chevening: I’m also the equalities minister, so I’d like to know how cutting fees will affect women.
Michelle4Cabinet: Some say lowering the repayment threshold will disproportionately affect women and it would be misogynistic.
RaabHighChancellor: Misogyny is absolutely wrong, whether it’s a man against a woman or a woman against a man.
GregS&Tchair: It was definitely brains trust, not Brian Truss, right?
#JonBonGovey: You can have man against man misogyny now as well, I saw it on Strictly.
Liz4Chevening: That’s the mambo.
NadVax: Look, can someone just tell me what we are going to do about universities?
BorisPM: We will have a high-wages, high-skills, high-productivity economy.
BorisPM: Err… low taxes.
KwasiDON’TPANIC: Are you sure that’s right? It sounds economically illiterate to me.
BorisPM: Absolutely! I found this great book on the shelf in Downing Street and I’ve been reading all about creating British jobs for British workers to drive up wages.
Liz4Chevening: Sounds great, what’s it called?
BorisPM: Arguments for Socialism by Tony Benn.
Liz4Chevening has left the group.
KwasiDON’TPANIC has left the group.
GregS&Tchair has left the group.
Michelle4Cabinet has left the group.
AlokGoodCOP has left the group.
DouglasRossSFA has left the group.
Chris4Kingswood has left the group.
NadVax: All I wanted was some advice.
#JonBonGovey: Dance as if no one is watching.
BorisPM: Unfortunately, everyone was, Michael…
#JonBonGovey has left the group.
BorisPM has left the group.
NadVax: Could the last person who cares about universities please put the lights off.
NadVax has left the group.