Ivory Tower: As NCUB’s annual report is published, we meet a couple in marriage therapy
A coffee shop…
Business: Do we have to do this?
Universities: You agreed.
B: I’m busy, there’s a lot going on.
U: It’s healthy.
B: We don’t need couple’s therapy, can’t we just go?
U: The appointment has been made now. It would be rude.
B: Seriously? We’ve both got a lot on, can’t we just leave it?
U: There you have it.
B: What?
U: You never have time.
B: For what?
U: For us, for this relationship.
B: Not this again.
U: We should talk about our relationship.
B: We are talking. I’m here talking.
U: You wanted to walk out a moment ago.
B: I give up.
U: On this relationship?
B: You are always like this.
U: Like what?
B: Always making everything so complicated.
U: I like dialogue.
B: “Can we talk?”… “Can we set up a committee?”… “Do you mind if someone takes minutes?”
U: It’s called accountability.
B: It’s time-consuming and boring.
U: Partnership is boring?
B: I’m accountable. I just don’t need to sit in a committee for two hours to make a decision.
U: Accountable only to yourself.
B: That’s unfair. I pay taxes. I have shareholders. What do you have?
U: Stakeholders.
B: What does that even mean? You get a fat pay cheque from the government just to sit there and never change.
U: That’s not true.
B: When was the last time you did anything different?
U: I’m working with the community… as part of my civic mission.
B: You did that anyway. You’ve always done that.
U: It’s called levelling-up.
B: It’s called doing your job.
U: And what about you? What have you done that’s different?
B: I’ve stopped exporting.
U: You’ve stopped doing your job?
B: It’s Brexit.
U: Not this again.
B: You’ve no idea how hard it is.
U: I know exactly how hard it is. I’ve been waiting nearly three years to join the R&D programme.
B: That’s not my fault.
U: Where were you during the referendum?
B: I thought we were over this.
U: If you had said something at the time, it might have been different.
B: It wasn’t my place.
U: It was totally your place.
B: You’re better at that sort of thing—speaking out, saying how you feel.
U: And look where it got us.
B: Hasn’t done you any harm.
U: Haven’t you heard of the culture wars?
B: Don’t be so woke.
U: Woke? You’ve got to be kidding me.
B: I just meant…
U: You’re all about diversity and inclusion when it comes to advertising and selling things. Can’t get enough of it then.
B: It’s about future markets.
U: You’re not the one that’s been landed with a bill.
B: How much for?
U: I meant the free speech bill.
B: Sorry, is there anything I can do?
U: Speak out.
B: Not likely.
They sit in silence for a beat. A waitress comes to the table.
Waitress: Can I get you anything?
U: Just a tea, thanks.
B: What you got?
Waitress: Would you like a menu?
B: No, just tell me what you’ve got.
U: I don’t believe this.
B: I’m just asking.
U: Two teas, thanks. You always have tea. It’s been the same order since I first met you.
B: What’s your name?
Waitress: Aria.
B: Are you new here?
Waitress: I’ve not really started yet. This is kind of a trial.
B: You seem very responsive.
Waitress: I was trying to do things a bit different. Sorry, what was your order again?
U: Two teas, please, milk no sugar.
Waitress: Two teas. [she goes]
U: Unbelievable.
B: What?
U: Were you flirting?
B: It’s called due diligence, not something you would know anything about.
U: You were practically drooling.
B: At least she didn’t want to set up a committee to discuss whether the milk should come in a jug.
U: She didn’t even have a notepad.
B: She’s doing things differently.
U: She couldn’t remember an order of two teas.
B: Unlike you.
U: What does that mean?
B: You never forget anything.
U: It’s called institutional memory.
B: You never forget anything, so you can never move on.
U: Like Boris?
B: See, my point exactly.
U: If you’d said something about Boris we wouldn’t be here.
B: Waiting to see our therapist?
U: No, here, in this mess. This car crash of an economy.
B: You know what Boris said about me.
U: The image is seared on my brain.
B: But he didn’t mean it in a good way.
U: He might have said it about you, but he did it to me.
B: You are so full of self-pity. How are you worse off now than you were five years ago, ten years ago, even?
U: I haven’t had a fees rise.
B: Here we go. Tell us about all those graduates you churn out who are not fit to work.
U: They have transferable skills.
B: Not to the workplace.
U: I’ve been listening to this for decades. You train them then, see how much it would cost you.
B: I don’t have the time.
U: Or the expertise, or the space, or the opportunities.
B: It’s not my job.
U: It’s not mine either, but I still do it. And do I get any thanks?
B: I appreciate it.
U: Funny way of showing it.
B: Look, there’s a skills shortage. It’s tough for everyone.
U: You can’t even take on a few apprentices—too busy making value for your shareholders.
B: That’s unfair.
The waitress returns.
Waitress: Two teas.
B: Hi, Aria. That was a quick turnaround.
Waitress: Did you want milk with that?
B: Hold on, the milk committee will approve its minutes in three months’ time.
U: Yes, I asked for milk with the order.
Waitress: Sorry, I’m new to this. Maybe I should have made notes.
B: You are doing fine Aria, don’t let old “taxpayers’ money” here drag you down.
U: Actually, can we have these to go? It’s time for our appointment.
The waitress takes the teas away.
U: You can’t help yourself, can you?
B: I’ve got a lot on my mind right now.
U: Like what, the Christmas sales?
B: Tax credits.
U: You’re not going to bring this up again.
B: Cutting back on tax credits for R&D is going to be the end of us.
U: I don’t get tax credits.
B: You don’t innovate.
U: Excuse me? What do you think I’ve been doing all these years?
B: I just meant you are backed by the taxpayer.
U: Unlike tax credits? The clue is in the name.
B: You’ve no incentive to take risks.
U: How is claiming tax relief on the CRM system you were going to install anyway taking a risk?
B: My accountant said that was all above board.
The waitress returns.
Waitress: Two teas, with milk, to go.
U: Thank you. It’s time. Don’t want to be late.
B: Do you have a number, Aria? Maybe I could call you.
Waitress: Who’s going to pay the bill?
The couple look at each other and then back at the waitress, pointing at one another.
U&B [at the same time]: They will.
Terms of use: this is a free email for fun on a Friday, it should be shared among colleagues like the blame for a heavy by-election defeat. Want to book a couple’s therapy session with your line manager? Want to say hello? Email ivorytower@researchresearch.com