In a corner of SW1, the UK’s premier Universities Media Relations team are at work
[In the offices of Juniper-McCall University Media Relations, senior partner and head of disruption Alexander Juniper is on the phone to UK Research and Innovation about the new brand launch].
Juniper: Yes but it is exactly what you asked for, a unifying brand that brings together the disparate parts to tell the story about your ambition to deliver world-class research with impact… I know it’s just letters next to different coloured boxes… It’s a logo, not Lego… “A child’s crayon box” is a bit harsh. I like to think of it as a wide colour palate to reflect the diverse interests of the councils… I disagree, I don’t think it looks like the masthead for a series of public health leaflets… or a set of post-it notes… I think it is a bold and exciting treatment which both speaks to the seriousness of your purpose and at the same time says, we are fun guys, even the ones in Swindon… Of course, you are the client, that’s your prerogative, we can look at it again… Tell you what, why not stick with this one for now and we will do you a half-price deal on the next one when you are restructured again in six-month’s time?… Yes, you know my thinking on that, just call it Cummings Corp… Black letters on a black background… I’ll have some slides made up and send them over… Great, speak to you soon, bye.
McCall: Not happy with their brand re-launch?
Juniper: They were happy enough when we had lunch at the Ivy on Wednesday.
McCall: That was before everyone started laughing at it on Twitter.
Juniper: Janet spent hours designing that on her iPad.
McCall: Speaking of our degree apprentice, where is she today?
Juniper: She says she was on some trip for her university course yesterday. She should be in this morning. Can you pass me the BEIS account?
McCall: The no-deal file? I’m afraid it’s more of a small library these days, it’s behind you on that trolley. I think it’s got its own drive now on the computer.
Juniper: I thought that was the De Montfort University file?
McCall: No we had to hire extra storage for that.
Juniper: Get ready for Brexit? Might as well put up a sign saying, You are now entering Brigadoon. Still, if the government wants to pay us to advertise something that is not going to happen, and then pay us to advertise it all again in January, that’s fine by me.
McCall: Ah, the Brexit dividend. The gift that keeps on giving.
Juniper: What have we come up with so far?
McCall: Universities: Get ready for Brexit
Juniper: Excellent, says it all. How long did that take?
McCall: Most of Tuesday afternoon.
[Janet enters, speaking on her mobile phone]
Janet: Leave it with me, it looks like we are beginning to get some movement… I know he is saying one thing to you and another to Arlene… No, I wouldn’t count my chickens yet, but everyone is still talking… That’s great, I’m glad you liked the hotel, it used to be Lord Leverhulme’s house… That’s grand Leo, speak to you later…. Top of the morning to you too, Leo.
[Janet sits at her desk and begins to work]
Juniper: Janet?
Janet: Yes, Mr Juniper?
McCall: That’s grand Leo?
Juniper: Top of the morning?
McCall: Janet, have you got something to tell us?
Janet: Just speaking to a friend.
Juniper: Leo Sayer?
McCall: Leo Tolstoy?
Janet: Who?
Juniper: Leonardo Di Caprio?
Janet: I’m probably around the right age.
McCall: Janet, were you just speaking to the Taoiseach of Ireland, Leo Varadkar?
Janet: It was a private conversation, Mr McCall.
Juniper: Janet, if you are on the phone to a head of state with access to the unlimited resources of a national government advertising account, then it is very much the business of Juniper-McCall University Media Relations.
McCall: Spill the beans.
Janet: Well, you know how you were both out of the office on Wednesday afternoon?
Juniper: Having a successful business lunch with the research councils to celebrate the new brand re-launch.
McCall: We were toasting your designs.
Janet: Did they go down well?
McCall: As successful as a newt.
Janet: Well, while you were out, we got a call from Number 10, saying we had been recommended to them as a small outfit whose work would go unnoticed.
Juniper: Small outfit? We are the UK’s premier university media relations team.
McCall: Unnoticed? Have people forgotten our work on vice-chancellors’ pay?
Juniper: To be honest, when you are both feeding the outrage to the press and advising universities on their defence, it’s probably best to go unnoticed.
Janet: Anyway, I spoke to some guy from number 10 called Dom. He said he wanted to launch the hobbit strategy.
Juniper: Dom?
McCall: The hobbit strategy?
Janet: Yes, he said it would be like when Elijah Wood and the other one, carry the ring to Mordor unnoticed because they are so small and everyone else is fighting the Orcs.
Juniper: You’ve lost me Janet, what are you talking about?
McCall: It’s very simple Alexander, have you never seen the story of the ring?
Juniper: Of course, I saw Wagner at Covent Garden last year.
McCall: No, J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, it’s about Middle Earth.
Juniper: Birmingham?
Janet: It doesn’t matter, the idea is that the people you would least expect can go a long way unnoticed when everyone else is looking elsewhere.
McCall: So, what did Dom ask you to do?
Janet: First, he wanted an out-of-the-way venue for Brexit talks. So, I chose a place I’d been to before.
Juniper: Thornton Hall on the Wirral?
Janet: Our Sandra had her wedding there last year.
McCall: How is your cousin Sandra?
Janet: She’s fine, she’s getting divorced now.
Juniper: Stick with the story, then what?
Janet: So, I made a reservation and had to go up there yesterday to show them the credit card because I had made the booking.
McCall: That summit was booked on our corporate card?
Janet: While I was there, this Dom guy introduced me to Leo, who was very nice, and Boris who was, well a bit ‘Borisy’.
Juniper: Dom, Leo, Boris… I don’t believe this.
McCall: We paid for a Brexit summit on our card… I don’t believe this.
Juniper: And when were you thinking of telling us this?
Janet: You were out to lunch, and Dom said it would be best if I didn’t talk about it. He said it would help negotiations go better if I kept my head down.
McCall: You poor deluded child. Varadkar and the EU are stringing the Brits along until October 19th when Johnson will be legally obliged to ask for an extension. Boris is stringing the Irish along, telling Varadkar what he wants to hear, until after the 19th when he can go into an election claiming the EU blocked his deal. No one has any intention of coming to an agreement, the Merseyside meeting was just for show… at least I hope it was, I’ve budgeted for another six months of this lucrative get-ready-for-Brexit account.
Juniper: We need that account Janet. Universities are being a bit wary with external consultancy at the moment, what with all the uncertainty over tuition fees and, well, Brexit.
Janet: But after all this time, I thought a break-through in the Brexit talks was a good thing.
McCall: You might just have ruined the company. We’ve got a tax bill coming in January. We need to fix this and fast. It’s time for operation Helm’s Deep.
Juniper: Is that in the Wirral?
McCall: Janet, get back on the phone to your friend Leo, and ask him if he got anything in writing from Boris? If he says no, tell him, “you should have, you know what he’s like”, put some doubt in the Taoiseach’s mind. Alexander, you phone your friends in the ERG, ask them if there could ever be any deal acceptable to the EU that would also be acceptable to them and the DUP? Tell them Boris has surrendered to Ireland.
Juniper: Right ho, and what are you going to do Oliver?
McCall: I’m going to ring the editor of The Sun, “Boris and Dom’s mystery hobbit girl”, that ought to be worth a front page.
Juniper: One ring to fool them all, one ring to blind them, one ring to name them all in the tabloids bind them.
Janet: Can I claim my National Express ticket to Liverpool on expenses?
McCall: Later, Janet, later…
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