Ivory Tower: Inside the WhatsApp group of the university research taskforce
Solloway4Derby: This group chat will help us carry on discussions between our fortnightly meetings.
DonelanStayAlert: As co-chair of this group I would also like to say that this group chat will help us carry on discussions between our fortnightly meetings.
LochheadSNP: The UK government’s advice on science has no credibility after the Cummings affair.
Solloway4Derby: He is an official and not elected, his employer accepts his full account, time to move on.
DonelanStayAlert: He is an official and not elected, his employer accepts his full account, time to move on.
WilliamsEdu: What a complete joke.
LochheadSNP: That’s just his reason for driving to Barnard Castle.
DUPDodds: Ulster says no.
Solloway4Derby: To Cummings continuing in government?
DUPDodds: To everything.
DonelanStayAlert: This group is not for discussing Dominic Cummings, there has been a full explanation, time to move on.
Solloway4Derby: This group is not for discussing Dominic Cummings, there has been a full explanation, time to move on.
VC1: Perhaps we could talk about how much money the government is prepared to give universities as a bailout?
Solloway4Derby: Maybe there is some mileage in making sure we’ve truly cleared the air on Dominic Cummings.
LochheadSNP: About 60 miles, round trip.
DUPDodds: Could have been worse, he could have driven to Wales.
WilliamsEdu: No one can drive to Wales at the moment.
DUPDodds: Dominic Cummings is probably the only one to have breathed clear air recently.
OdysseanDom: I am on here you know.
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OdysseanDom: Is it something I said?
LochheadSNP: It’s what you didn’t say—sorry.
OdysseanDom: Ok then, if it will help you all move on. I’m sorry you feel I went to Durham.
WilliamsEdu: Oh my God!
OdysseanDom: Only Boris calls me that, Mr Cummings, will do.
DUPDodds: What are you doing on this Taskforce?
OdysseanDom: I take all decisions about science and research in the UK.
Solloway4Derby: Dom? We talked about this.
OdysseanDom: We certainly did, we had a long chat…
Solloway4Derby: Five minutes
OdysseanDom: …and at the end we decided I was right.
Solloway4Derby: But I’m the science minister.
OdysseanDom: That does not contradict what I just said.
DUPDodds: You are not in charge of Northern Irish science!
OdysseanDom: What science is there in Ulster?
DUPDodds: We are working on inventing technology that will enable frictionless trade across the Irish border, remember?
OdysseanDom: Oh yeah—good luck with that.
LochheadSNP: Scottish science is independent of England.
OdysseanDom: Only thing up there that is.
LochheadSNP: Scotland has a long history of world beaters: Alexander Graham Bell, John Logie Baird, Alexander Fleming, Kenny Dalglish…
OdysseanDom: All did their best work in England mate, put a sock in it.
LochheadSNP: I have never been so insulted!
OdysseanDom: You need to get out more.
WilliamsEdu: What, like you? Maybe he could drive to Durham.
LochheadSNP: Oh no, I never go south of Peebles.
Solloway4Derby: Dom, it’s great to have your input on the group but you need to watch your tone.
OdysseanDom: Dry your eyes Hancock.
DonelanStayAlert: He is an official and not elected, his employer accepts his full account, time to move on.
OdysseanDom: Keep out of this Donelan Bot, don’t you have a student chat to do?
DonelanStayAlert: Got to go, have a real on-line challenge at the moment.
OdysseanDom: Is it another Student Room thing?
DonelanStayAlert: No, I’m trying to find an Ocado delivery slot.
VC2: I thought this was a group chat about the bailout for universities?
OdysseanDom: That’s why I’m here to tell you that all there ain’t gonna be a handout. Use your mountain of reserves. Have you seen the Taxpayers’ Alliance report on the use of cars by vice-chancellors?
VC2: You are criticising us for using cars?
OdysseanDom: At least I drive my own.
WilliamsEdu: We can all drive, we just chose not to. We followed the rules.
LochheadSNP: Which you wrote.
OdysseanDom: I don’t need to explain myself to you.
LochheadSNP: Because you answer to Boris Johnson?
OdysseanDom: No, because there are only six Tory MPs in Scotland.
JarvisUUK: Perhaps, it would help if we got back to talking about the size of the financial aid package for universities.
OdysseanDom: I thought you’d been furloughed.
JarvisUUK: All parts of the UK have different issues, perhaps we could meet halfway.
LochheadSNP: Halfway between Edinburgh and London? Isn’t that Durham?
WilliamsEdu: ??
OdysseanDom: You’ve been quiet, thought you’d be on about geniuses in Wales.
WilliamsEdu: Tom Jones? JPR Williams? Shirley Bassey?
LochheadSNP: All those geniuses in Wales who voted for Brexit?
JarvisUUK: Did Tom Jones vote for Brexit?
DonelanStayAlert: Why? Why? Why?
Solloway4Derby: Is that a Tom Jones joke, dear?
DonelanStayAlert: No, I can’t get a delivery slot until next Thursday, dear.
VC1: Look, here’s a proposal, best and final offer. The government gives universities £2 billion and in return vice-chancellors will think about switching over to electric cars.
VC2: Maybe there could be some sort of trade-in scheme for old university cars. I’d happily give up the Daimler for one of those Elon Musk things.
OdysseanDom: A space rocket?
VC2: A new Tesla
Solloway4Derby: Anew Tesla wasn’t he one of those Welsh scientists?
WilliamsEdu: Elon Musk? Sounds like he might be.
DUPDodds: Sounds like a cheap perfume from Asda
WilliamsEdu: Frome Asda, definitely sounds like a Welsh name.
OdysseanDom: How many miles does one of those things do? Asking for a friend.
VC2: The rocket?
OdysseanDom: The car, brainiac.
VC2: You mean, Pontiac? That’s not one of my cars.
Solloway4Derby: Cars? How many have you got?
VC2: That belong to me personally or are part of the vice-chancellor’s fleet?
Solloway4Derby: Fleet? Are you a vice-chancellor or a rear-admiral?
VC2: Let me see, Hyundai, Bentley…
WilliamsEdu: Di Bentley, he was definitely a Welsh scientist.
JarvisUUK: Look, can we stick to what really matters here.
LochheadSNP: Cummings breaking his own rules?
WilliamsEdu: How the prime minister is too weak to sack him.
DUPDodds: What’s going to happen to the marching season?
VC2: A car trade-in scheme for vice-chancellors?
JarvisUUK: The desperate need for financial aid for universities.
OdysseanDom: The leader of this country thinks there should be no bailout.
JarvisUUK: But what do you think?
OdysseanDom: I’ve just told you.
LochheadSNP: What makes you think you know better than everyone else, Mr Cummings?
OdysseanDom: Jeez, this is worse than that Laura Kuenssberg.
LochheadSNP: She’s Scottish you know.
WilliamsEdu: You can have her back.
VC2: I see you like to negotiate Mr Cummings, let me improve the offer. You give us £2bn and we help with a Brexit deal.
DonelanStayAlert: A breakthrough!
Solloway4Derby: Have you got a delivery slot?
DonelanStayAlert: M&S can do Saturday morning.
OdysseanDom: What can you offer on a Brexit deal?
DonelanStayAlert: I don’t think M&S do Brexit.
OdysseanDom: Crossed messages.
Solloway4Derby: I’m glad you think that too, there has been a lot of crossed messaging with Brexit.
DonelanStayAlert: And with coronavirus.
OdysseanDom: Just you two wait until this is all over.
Solloway4Derby: The pandemic?
OdysseanDom: We’ve passed the peak.
LochheadSNP: Of Domgate?
DUPDodds: Of your government’s popularity?
DonelanStayAlert: He is an official and not elected, his employer accepts his full account, time to move on.
DandridgeOfS: Seriously, people! Students need to be able to go back to university. Can we talk about testing?
OdysseanDom: It was a 30-minute drive to make sure I could see well enough for the trip back to London.
JarvisUUK: ? ? ?
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OdysseanDom: Wait! We haven’t discussed the ARPA?
VC1: How many miles to the gallon does that do?
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Terms of use: This is a free email for fun on a Friday, it should travel widely like a government adviser during lockdown. Want to buy a second-hand car from a vice-chancellor? Want to say hello? Email ivorytower@researchresearch.com