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Ivory Tower: we gain exclusive access to an earlier draft of the Queen’s speech

My lords and members of the Commons.

My government’s priority is to deliver a strong national recovery from the pandemic and to make the United Kingdom stronger, healthier and more prosperous than before.

To achieve this, my government will introduce a busy programme of legislation in this parliament—if it can tear itself away from scandals about the Downing Street wallpaper and who did and did not receive a text from Lex Greensill’s mate Dave.

Following the success of the vaccination programme my government will make science and research a top priority. When it comes to funding science our world-leading universities are standing on the precipice of the future and my government wants to push them over the edge.

Britain’s scientists are pioneers. That is why the actions of my government will encourage them to migrate to America and build communities in California with like-minded people.

My Ministers will oversee the fastest-ever increase in public funding for research and at the same time the biggest cuts to research budgets for a generation. They will stop funding for development aid related research mid project, in order to placate a handful of Conservative backbenchers and swivel-eyed think tank grifters who bang on and on about the overseas aid budget.

My ministers will also introduce an annual event to the planning cycle in Whitehall and universities, in which researchers and civil servants will be invited to guess where next year’s contribution to Horizon Europe is to come from. Researchers will be incentivised to take a second job such as a Covid test centre marshal or an Uber driver to contribute towards the UK’s annual payment to the European research scheme.

My ministers are firmly of the view that these people in universities asked for this, so they can jolly well pay for it one way of another. All academics will be provided with a Union Jack piggy bank to save their spare change towards the cost of cross-border scientific collaboration.

At the same time my government will pass legislation to establish an advanced research agency. This will be known as the “I don’t know, I thought you knew bill” which will see the establishment of a high-risk, high-reward research body.

My ministers will shortly appear on Blue Peter to ask viewers to send in ideas as to what the advanced research agency might actually do with its time and the paltry funding it has been allocated over the next five years. My money is on flying cars or some sort of drone that can walk the corgis.

My government is committed to planning for the future and will invest in areas that will provide economic growth in the years to come. This is welcome news, who would have thought avocado on toast would have been such a big thing? One wishes one had shares in that rather than Charles’s oat biscuit business. One also wish one had seen Emily Maitlis and that BBC camera crew coming, but hey ho.

My government will also be doing its utmost to uphold free speech. It will introduce legislation to ensure that anyone who has their talk at a university cancelled will be able to go to court to have their train fare reimbursed.

The “free speech for us but not for you” bill will be introduced as a matter of urgency. It will be colloquially known as “David’s Law” after the heart-breaking case of Holocaust denier David Irving who after years of being cancelled on campus will now have a legal right to give the annual lecture for every student union’s Conspiracy Theory and Wingnut Society.

My ministers want to make it very clear that as long as holocaust deniers do not stray into racism then they will be protected by a new free speech warrior robot at the Office for Students. However, once my ministers realise how absurd this is they will soon be introducing another piece of legislation to correct it.

Since the aim of the bill is to protect all legal free speech, the only way around the complexities and nuances of the competing demands of public discourse, is to unambiguously define what type of speech is legal and what is not. My ministers will then be introducing a bill to ban a whole variety of topics.

The “Catch-All Ban This Sort of Thing Bill” will cover any talk about decolonizing the curriculum, removing statues, Jeremy Corbyn, all Jeremy Corbyn’s friends, criticism of the Metropolitan Police, trans rights, Scottish independence, the Irish sea border, immigration, public sector pay rises and whether there will be another series of The Line of Duty—something the entire country can agree on.

My ministers are determined to address the chilling effect of cancel culture. And one will be glad when Andrew is able to leave the house again. It is also good news for some of the causes close to our heart such as the Edward VIII Political Friendship Society and the Prince Harry fancy dress society—Harry used to be no bother to anyone.

My government will also be introducing legislation to address low-quality courses in our universities. The “Ban Media Studies Bill” is a top priority for the coming parliamentary session.

My ministers will take steps to ensure that never again will thousands of young people from disadvantaged backgrounds be taken in by the arts and humanities. The pernicious influence of art, music, and literature will come to an end.

Young people will no longer be exposed to theatres, galleries, or concert halls. Rather my ministers will ensure that on their 18th birthdays young people will be given a blue passport and their own online betting account. One has a filly running in the 2.30 at Newmarket if anyone is interested.

My government will ensure that young people are given a Lifetime Lesson Guarantee in which they will receive a payment from the Treasury as long they guarantee that they will vote Conservative. The “Create More Tory Voters Bill” will place a cap on the number of people going to university while introducing thousands of new opportunities on the Freeports, Call Centres, and Troll Farms kick start scheme.

My government intends to build back betterer, by investing £3billion in the National Skills Fund. My ministers will then ask one of their friends to run the fund and to distribute multi-million pound contracts for online generic skills training to anyone with the Business secretary’s phone number and a copy of Computing for Dummies.

Building on the success of the Turing Scheme my government will introduce further complex administrative forms with arbitrary deadlines to our universities. They will also take the name of some of our most celebrated scientists.

The Clive Sinclair scheme will ask universities to provide an annual statutory return on car parking and the use of electronic vehicles, with a two-week turnaround notice. The Brian Cox scheme will ask universities to publicly identify within ten working days all lecturers who wear leather jackets and think what they did in the 1990s is still cool.

My government will spend the coming parliamentary term telling young people that there is more to life than going to university. One can attest to that. One did not go to university and it has not done one any harm.

One has been able to become head of the Commonwealth and head of the Church of England without so much as a City and Guilds. Charles is the brainy one and Edward is the arty one and look where that has got us.

Members of the House of Commons.

Estimates for the public services will be laid before you (but don’t hold your breath on that one).

My lords and members of the House of Commons.

Other measures will be laid before you (usually at 5.30 on a Friday).

I pray that the blessing of Almighty God may rest upon your counsels, and God help us all.

Whatevers, Liz out.

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