Ivory Tower: Exclusive access to the National Science and Technology Council WhatsApp group
Ready4Rishi: Hey guys, I’m super busy at the moment what with the budget forecast and everything, so why don’t we run the NSTC as a WhatsApp group?
Donelan4LizRishi: The National Sports Training Centre?
Ready4Rishi: The National Science and Technology Council, can I just check the right people are on here?
BenTheBomb: Didn’t Liz abolish that?
Ready4Rishi: And I’m bringing it back.
CallMeHunt: Just like the Health and Social Care Levy?
Ready4Rishi: Maybe we could take that offline to discuss.
BenTheBomb: Because if you did that it would look like we didn’t know what we were doing.
DowndenIsBack: You don’t, you wanted to bring back Boris.
BenTheBomb: Maybe the health secretary has a view on it.
CallMeHunt: Who is the health secretary now, I’ve lost count?
DowndenIsBack: Steve Barclay.
CallMeHunt: The Brexit guy? That’s a promotion.
BenTheBomb: No, the guy who used to be Downing St chief of staff.
CallMeHunt: OK, I’m lost, I’ve no idea what is going on.
Ready4Rishi: The health secretary isn’t on the National Science and Technology Council.
TheRealGrantShapps: Eh?
TheFutureIsKemi: Literally makes no sense.
TheRealGrantShapps: But you’re on it?
SendThemBackSuella: Me too.
CallMeHunt: OK, I’m lost, I’ve no idea what is going on.
Ready4Rishi: This is the government’s brains trust on science.
DowndenIsBack: Maybe it would be a good idea if everyone introduced themselves. Anyone else on here who we haven’t heard from?
ForeignCleverly: I’m here.
BenTheBomb: Seriously?
RaabMeisterDom: Me too.
TheRealGrantShapps: Science? You don’t even know geography, mate.
EducatingKeegan: And your qualification to be here is?
TheRealGrantShapps: My career in business.
CallMeHunt: OK, I’m lost, I’ve no idea what is going on.
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: Don’t worry I’m here too.
NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: Don’t worry I’m here too.
CallMeHunt: Look, I’ve got a budget to write. I’m going to mute you all.
Ready4Rishi: I think that’s the whole NSTC.
In4Penny2SaveThePound: The Naval Service Training Command?
Ready4Rishi: You are not supposed to be on here.
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: I invited her.
NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: Because?
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: Reasons.
TheRealGrantShapps: When are the experts arriving?
Donelan4LizRishi: Like Nadhim Zahawi?
RaabMeisterDom: Dear God.
TheRealGrantShapps: No, Patrick Vallance and Chris Whitty, and that bloke on the telly who knew what he was talking about.
EducatingKeegan: Matt Hancock?
Everyone: ? ? ? ?
TheRealGrantShapps: Was his name, Van Halen?
BenTheBomb: Van Tam.
Ready4Rishi: I don’t think it’s a good idea to remind people about the great unpleasantness of 2020. There are no scientific advisers on this group.
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: There’s me.
NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: There’s me.
NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: Damn, must type faster.
DowndenIsBack: So how can this committee advise you on science policy without any scientists?
Ready4Rishi: You are my oldest friend in politics.
DowndenIsBack: To be honest, Rishi, I’m not sure that counts.
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: Perhaps I could give a summary of where we are in terms of science.
NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: Perhaps I could give a summary… oh fudge.
EducatingKeegan: Are there two of them?
RaabMeisterDom: Not the first time there has been two brains in the science role.
DowdenIsBack: Don’t worry there are four Grant Shapps.
TheRealGrantShapps: There are fewer Grant Shapps than there have been education secretaries this year.
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: If I may continue, the crux of the matter is making sure the nation gets value for money for our substantial investment in science and technology.
BenTheBomb: What idiot promised that?
ForeignCleverly: Boris.
DowdenIsBack: Dominic Cummings.
ForeignCleverly: Dominic Cummings.
Ready4Rishi: I approved it as chancellor so it’s obviously a good thing.
TheRealGrantShapps: So that means I’m exempt from spending cuts.
Ready4Rishi: I approved the spirit of the idea, that doesn’t mean I’ll stick to it now.
CallMeHunt: Seriously, I’m trying to concentrate here.
NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: As science minister, I would just like to say we won’t maximise our investment in science unless we relax immigration requirements for researchers.
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: As science minister, I would just like to say… yeah, what she said.
SendThemBackSuella: I’d rather resign.
TheFutureIsKemi: Me too,
Ready4Rishi: Hold on people, what about party unity?
Everyone: ? ? ? ?
SendThemBackSuella: There are too many international students writing their PhDs on dinghies crossing the English Channel bringing in their six children to invade our coastal frontiers.
ForeignCleverly: I might be slower than a sloth on Mogadon but I’m not sure that’s correct.
TheFutureIsKemi: I’m through with the culture wars. We should move on to the science wars.
SendThemBackSuella: There ae too many scientists recording the outbreak of disease in migrant centres in Dover.
TheFutureIsKemi: Are we sure the Oxford vaccine wasn’t the result of a mickey mouse degree?
Ready4Rishi: Perhaps we could move on from past obsessions.
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: As science minister, I would just like to say….
TheRealGrantShapps: Talking of obsessions.
NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: As science minister, I would just like to say… whatever.
Ready4Rishi: I’ve actually got an agenda here.
BenTheBomb: Knew it.
Ready4Rishi: No, I mean a structure to this meeting.
ForeignCleverly: Look, I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what I’m doing here.
Ready4Rishi: International aid still has an investment in science.
TheFutureIsKemi: That would be me.
Ready4Rishi: No, you are here for the role science and research will play in future trade deals.
TheFutureIsKemi: OK, I’m lost, I’ve no idea what is going on.
NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: As investment minister—got you there Freeman—the truth is that no one wants to spend money in the UK.
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: As science minister… nuts.
CallMeHunt: That’s odd because the pound is worth nothing, investment in the UK is a bargain right now.
TheRealGrantShapps: But we’ve sold most things already, there’s nothing left.
EducatingKeegan: What about the universities?
Donelan4LizRishi: In my experience the wokerati would be dead against that.
EducatingKeegan: No, I mean selling our universities to foreign investors.
TheRealGrantShapps: Like London Bridge?
RaabMeisterDom: Is that a Hedge Fund?
Donelan4LizRishi: I think it was a TV series when I was a kid.
BenTheBomb: It could be our “tell Sid” moment.
TheFutureIsKemi: Does he work in central comms?
BenTheBomb: No, universities are just about the last public service to privatise, we could turn the clock back to Maggie’s share owning democracy.
Ready4Rishi: When we used to be popular?
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister: As science minister, I would just like to say, I’m lost and have no idea what is going on.
NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: I give up.
ForeignCleverly: Me too… when is the next general election?
Donelan4LizRishi: I remember something about being a science superpower but it’s all a bit vague.
TheRealGrantShapps: When are the experts arriving?
Ready4Rishi: Thanks all, I think we’ve given that issue a full airing. Next item on the agenda, should I go to COP27?
Everyone: ? ? ? ?
TheRealGrantShapps: has left the group.
Donelan4LizRishi has left the group.
GeorgeFreemanMPScienceMinister has left the group.
NusratGahniMPScienceMinister: has left the group (me first, oh damn).
ForeignCleverly has left the group.
TheFutureIsKemi: has left the group
BenTheBomb has left the group.
EducatingKeegan has left the group.
RaabMeisterDom has left the group.
Ready4Rishi: Please people what about party unity?
SendThemBackSuella: I would never quit.
Ready4Rishi has left the group.
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