Ivory Tower: Exclusive access to the alternatives to Horizon Europe WhatsApp group
KwasiBEIS: I think we have to start planning for the worst-case scenario.
MichelleD: That he is going to go?
GeorgeFree: That he is going to stay?
KwasiBEIS: No, that we will not be able to join Horizon, the European Union’s research and development programme.
MichelleD: Good thing too.
GeorgeFree: No, we want to join.
MichelleD: I’m confused.
GeorgeFree: Imagine young people growing up watching their universities sliding down the international league table because the research money is going elsewhere.
MichelleD: Because of woke?
JustRaab: And political correctness, remember that? Whatever happened to that?
BrandonLewisNI: Because of Northern Ireland.
MichelleD: The woke Irish?
Liz4MP: Like Graham Norton?
KwasiBEIS: It’s got nothing to do with woke.
MichelleD: Doesn’t it?
BEISCivServ: The problem is that Whitehall does not have good intelligence.
GeorgeFree: There wouldn’t have been all those wine and vomit parties.
BEISCivServ: No, about Northern Ireland.
BrandonLewisNI: Yeah, it’s a real puzzle. I’m stumped.
BEISCivServ: We’ve been rather blindsided about what’s going on at the border.
BrandonLewisNI: Which one? The one in the sea or the one on the land?
MichelleD: I did history rather than geography, but don’t they meet one another?
KwasiBEIS: No.
MichelleD: Are you sure?
KwasiBEIS: They are incompatible.
MichelleD: ?
BEISCivServ: The suspicion in Brussels is that the English don’t understand anything about Ireland.
GeorgeFree: I once backpacked from Belfast to Killarney.
BEISCivServ: In County Kerry?
GeorgeFree: No, Belfast, South Africa, to Killarney in Zimbabwe. We listened to Bob Dylan and…
KwasiBEIS: Look, with all the shenanigans over the Protocol we need to start planning for an alternative.
Liz4PM: To the protocol? Absolutely.
MichelleD: I thought the Horizon Europe protocol was part of the Withdrawal Agreement? And that was oven ready.
KwasiBEIS: Someone forgot to take the plastic off.
Liz4PM: He means the Northern Ireland Protocol.
BrandonLewisNI: We have plans to break it in a limited and specific way.
GeorgeFree: The protocol?
BrandonLewisNI: The law.
GeorgeFree: Sorry, are we still talking about Downing St parties?
SuellaB: I approve.
BrandonLewisNI: Of the parties or breaking international law?
SuellaB: Err… can I go 50:50?
KwasiBEIS: Whatever, the thing is if Northern Ireland goes south then we need an alternative.
MichelleD: I have questions.
GeorgeFree: He means we need a domestic alternative to membership of Horizon Europe which will be the envy of the world.
MichelleD: Like the Turing scheme?
GeorgeFree: Nothing like the Turing scheme.
KwasiBEIS: We can’t wait much longer; we need an alternative at home.
BrandonLewisNI: Shame about Rishi.
Liz4PM: Hello!!!
BEISCivServ: A domestic alternative for international collaboration in science and research.
MichelleD: Would not doing international collaboration be an alternative?
GeorgeFree: That’s what we are doing at the moment.
BEISCivServ: Or not doing.
MichelleD: Would some sort of tsar help?
Liz4PM: A Russian! Absolutely no way… unless they want to donate.
JRMBrexit: As the minister for Brexit benefits, I am happy to chip in ideas about how not being a member of Horizon Europe’s exclusive and elitist club would be a good thing for this sceptred isle.
KwasiBEIS: Go on then.
JRMBrexit: Well, we would be free to have our own domestic alternative for international collaboration in science and research.
KwasiBEIS: Give me strength.
BrandonLewisNI: Can I add, whatever we do, it’s really important not to raise tensions or offend the Irish.
MichelleD: What about free speech? We are legislating for an Englishman’s right to be offensive.
JustRaab: So are we.
SuellaB: I approve.
GeorgeFree: Of two pieces of legislation proposing the same thing in the same parliament?
SuellaB: Let me ask a lawyer, I’ll get back to you.
KwasiBEIS: Give me strength. Look, has anyone got any ideas about alternative research programmes?
BrandonLewisNI: Which don’t cause offence to the Irish or enflame the situation in Ulster.
GeorgeFree: I’ve given this one a lot of thought. We need to replace the flagship European Research Council schemes. So, I was thinking of something similar called an International Research Award.
BEISCivServ: An IRA?
GeorgeFree: To cut down research red-tape we could have an expression of interest stage, at which we could make a provisional international research award.
BEISCivServ: A Provisional IRA?
JustRaab: I think you are on to something there.
BrandonLewisNI: No, you can’t call it that!
GeorgeFree: OK, I’ve got others, we need to replace the cross-border network scheme, but I’d like to see something that produces research with impact and is sustainable beyond the lifetime of the award.
KwasiBEIS: Sounds good.
GeorgeFree: I’d call it an International Network Legacy Award.
BEISCivServ: INLA?
JustRaab: I think you are on to something there.
BrandonLewisNI: Absolutely not.
KwasiBEIS: This is you thinking about something for a long time?
GeorgeFree: We also need something to replace the Marie Curie awards, so a similar scheme but named after a great British hero.
MichelleD: Like Alan Turing?
GeorgeFree: Yes.
MichelleD: Oliver Cromwell?
BrandonLewisNI: Dear God!
Liz4PM: What about naming it after a popular royal?
SuellaB: Meghan?
Liz4PM: Prince William is head of the FA and the air ambulance, so why not a Prince William award? Academics like a nickname, they could be called Billies.
BrandonLewisNI: What happens when he becomes king?
Liz4PM: Then you have King Billy awards.
BrandonLewisNI: I think I want to cry.
Liz4PM: Yeah, totes, it’s such a good idea.
GeorgeFree: I’ve got others. We need a fellowship scheme that covers the whole world not just Europe, but which promotes value-for-money for the taxpayer. I would call it a Universal Value Fellowship.
BEISCivServ: UVF?
GeorgeFree: And a mobility programme for research students to move across the globe, or Universal Doctoral Association.
BEISCivServ: UDA?
JustRaab: I think you are on to something there.
BrandonLewisNI: What is wrong with you people?
Liz4PM: IRA, INLA, UVF, UDA, Cromwell and King Billy? Sounds to me as if you’ve cracked this one George.
BrandonLewisNI: Dear God, they are all names of deeply divisive figures or proscribed organisations.
MichelleD: Like the NUS?
BEISCivServ: Not exactly.
BrandonLewisNI: They have all been cancelled by the Good Friday Agreement.
MichelleD: I can sort that.
JustRaab: Now that you say that they do sound familiar. I had not fully appreciated this.
KwasiBEIS: Look, do we actually have an expert on Europe here?
ATouchOfFrost: The EU’s refusal to allow us entry to its science scheme that we win every year, is the result of too many mask-wearing liberal academics restricting people’s freedoms by refusing to buy British cars and remoaning about the lack of food on the shelves in Waitrose.
KwasiBEIS: Next. [deletes from group]
Liz4PM: Next month, I’ll be in Southern Ireland opening up cheese markets.
KwasiBEIS: Next. [deletes from group]
JustRaab: There are two Irelands? I had not fully appreciated this.
KwasiBEIS: Next. [deletes from group]
MichelleD: Can we still be offensive to the French?
KwasiBEIS: Next. [deletes from group]
SuellaB: I approve… whatever it is.
KwasiBEIS: Next. [deletes from group]
JRMBrexit: What about an industrial strategy for cotton mills and steam locomotives?
KwasiBEIS: Next. [deletes from group]
GeorgeFree: Research University Clusters?
KwasiBEIS: Next. [deletes from group] Is there anyone still there?
BEISCivServ: I am… oh hold on, just had a text about civil service job cuts… apparently, I’m not anymore. [unsubscribes from group].
KwasiBEIS: Hello? Anyone? Any international expert out there?
WhartonCon: I swear I didn’t know there were antisemites in Viktor Orbán’s Hungary.
KwasiBEIS: Next. [deletes from group] Anyone?
KwasiBEIS has unsubscribed, group deleted.
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