
Image: Grace Gay for Research Professional News
Ivory Tower: a theatre of the absurd drama about cross-border research programmes
Act I
A country road. A tree.
Evening.
Freeman, sitting on a low mound, is trying to take off his boots.
Enter Donelan.
Freeman: Nothing to be done.
Donelan: I’m beginning to come round to your opinion.
Freeman: Glad to see you are back.
Donelan: I was never away.
Freeman: Didn’t you go to that other place?
Donelan: Only for a bit. Now, I’m back.
Freeman: Like a bad penny.
Donelan: Like the rising sun.
Freeman: So, you were here at the beginning?
Donelan: Of what?
Freeman: When we started.
Donelan: Started what?
Freeman: Waiting.
Donelan: I don’t know. When did we start?
Freeman: Start, what?
Donelan: Waiting.
Freeman: Ever so long.
Donelan: Let me count. How long has it been?
Freeman: Since 2020.
Donelan: Twenty past eight?
Freeman: That’s how long we’ve been waiting.
Donelan: I was here then.
Freeman: I was somewhere else.
Donelan: But I think it started before that. I remember something about a deal.
Freeman: 2020. That’s when one ran out and the other started.
Donelan: But we’ve been waiting longer.
Freeman: Ever so long.
Donelan: Do you think it will be today?
Freeman: Maybe tomorrow.
Donelan: But didn’t the woman say it could be immediately?
Freeman: That was yesterday.
Donelan: Maybe, three weeks ago.
Freeman: Time moves on, things change, and still we wait.
Donelan: For what?
Freeman: All sorts.
Donelan: Who?
Freeman: The DUP, the ERG, Boris, the Treasury, the Commission.
Donelan: I’ve had enough, let’s go.
Freeman: We can’t.
Donelan: Why not?
Freeman: We are waiting for Horizon.
Donelan: Are you sure it was here?
Freeman: What?
Donelan: That we were to wait.
Freeman: By the tree? Definitely. That’s what was said.
Donelan: And if they don’t come what will we do?
Freeman: We’ll come back tomorrow.
Donelan: And the next day?
Freeman: Possibly.
Donelan: And the point is?
Freeman: Until they come.
Donelan: We waited here yesterday.
Freeman: No, we waited somewhere else.
Donelan: I was here. Where were you?
Freeman: I was in Beis.
Donelan: I’ve never been there.
Freeman: Where were you?
Donelan: Here.
Freeman: Here, here?
Donelan: Here, wherever this is.
Freeman: And where were you waiting before that?
Donelan: At the DfE.
Freeman: Sure, that’s not even a place.
Donelan: It is. We’ve been waiting there for ages.
Freeman: For what?
Donelan: For Horizon. It’s all they ever talk about.
Freeman: Who?
Donelan: Those people, in the universities. They won’t stop going on about it.
Freeman: Are they waiting too?
Donelan: Longer than us, so they say.
Freeman: We need a plan B.
Donelan: Now you’re talking.
Freeman: Something else.
Donelan: Our own thing.
Freeman: Something different.
Donelan: But which fulfils the same needs, right?
Freeman: Absolutely, the same thing.
Donelan: Exactly the same.
Freeman: Word for word.
Donelan: When can we have it?
Freeman: After.
Donelan: After what?
Freeman: After we’ve waited.
Donelan: What are we waiting on?
Freeman: Horizon.
Donelan: No, I mean why are we waiting on plan B?
Freeman: We’re not.
Donelan: Aren’t we?
Freeman: We’re waiting on Horizon.
Donelan: You are impossible.
Freeman: I didn’t start this. You were here at the beginning, remember?
Donelan: I don’t remember a plan B.
Freeman: Plan B is my plan.
Donelan: There you go. So, what are we waiting on?
Freeman: Horizon.
Donelan: It’s enough to make you question the meaning of existence.
Freeman: That’s Beckett for you.
Donelan: Look, why can’t we have plan B?
Freeman: Because we are waiting for Horizon.
Donelan: I give up.
Freeman: Plan B is only a threat to make Horizon hurry up and arrive.
Donelan: So, let’s do it then.
Freeman: But if we do plan B, then Horizon won’t arrive.
Donelan: Why?
Freeman: Because we will be doing plan B and Horizon won’t come.
Donelan: Why not?
Freeman: Because Horizon will see that we are doing plan B and say they can’t come.
Donelan: That’s absurd.
Freeman: That’s Beckett.
Donelan: And why hasn’t Horizon arrived yet?
Freeman: Because we’ve been threatening plan B.
Donelan: Let me get this straight.
Freeman: Go on.
Donelan: We can’t do plan B because we are waiting for Horizon.
Freeman: Exactly.
Donelan: And Horizon won’t come because we have been thinking about doing plan B.
Freeman: Up to a point.
Donelan: So, what do we do?
Freeman: We wait.
Donelan: For what?
Freeman: For Horizon.
Donelan: I can’t go on.
Freeman: You must go on.
Donelan: I’ll go on.
Freeman: Can’t give up the day job?
Donelan: No, I’ll just wait.
Freeman: We’ll stand here by this tree and wait.
Donelan: Do you think it will be much longer?
Freeman: Maybe.
Donelan: What if we stopped.
Freeman: Stopped what?
Donelan: Waiting.
Freeman: Oh, for a minute I thought you meant stop the day job.
Donelan: Never.
Freeman: Good. Better just to wait.
Donelan: No, I meant stop waiting.
Freeman: For what?
Donelan: For Horizon. What if we stopped waiting altogether and just did plan B.
Freeman: I despair.
Donelan: That’s Beckett for you.
Freeman: We can’t.
Donelan: Why not?
Freeman: Plan B is only a stop gap. An immediate boost. While we wait.
Donelan: For what?
Freeman: For Horizon.
Donelan: Why?
Freeman: Because it’s the best.
Donelan: Better than plan B?
Freeman: The clue is in the name.
Donelan: Horizon?
Freeman: Plan B.
Donelan: I can’t wait here.
Freeman: You could wait elsewhere.
Donelan: I’ve got to get back.
Freeman: To where?
Donelan: To the new place.
Freeman: Sure, we’ve been waiting longer than there’s been a new place.
Donelan: I know, but there are things to do.
Freeman: Apart from waiting?
Donelan: We are going to be a superpower.
Freeman: When?
Donelan: After Horizon comes.
Freeman: Try again. Fail again. Better again. Or better worse. Fail worse again. Still worse again.
Donelan: Have you read our mission statement?
Freeman: I remember when we held all the cards.
Donelan: Did we?
Freeman: They would be welcoming us with open arms.
Donelan: What happened?
Freeman: We are still waiting.
Donelan: But it must be on our own terms.
Freeman: The waiting?
Donelan: No, when Horizon comes, we need to look them in the eye and say this needs to be all about us.
Freeman: They won’t come then.
Donelan: It must be about what is good for us.
Freeman: Horizon arriving, that’s what would be good for us.
Donelan: I’m beginning to think we might have made a mistake.
Freeman: About Brexit?
Donelan: No, never. Maybe, they said to meet somewhere else.
Freeman: We’ve been waiting here for ages. We might as well see it out now.
[A boy approaches]
Donelan: About time.
Freeman: Who’s this?
Boy: Horizon…
Donelan: You’re not Horizon.
Boy: No, I have a message.
Freeman: How long have you been here?
Boy: I was waiting.
Donelan: What for?
Boy: To tell you.
Freeman: Have I seen you before?
Boy: No, this is my first time.
Donelan: He looks familiar.
Freeman: What is the message?
Boy: Please, sir, Horizon told me to tell you they won’t come this evening but surely tomorrow.
Donelan: I see.
Boy: Do you have a message for Horizon?
Freeman: We have a plan B.
Donelan: But we’ll wait.
[Boy leaves]
Freeman: What now?
Donelan: Shall we wait?
Freeman: Let’s go.
Donelan: Yes, let’s go.
[They do not move]
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