Ivory Tower: Exclusive access to the government’s WhatsApp group on scientific advice
PermSecDSIT: OK, you all know why you are on here.
FreemanScience: Is it about Question Time last night? I can explain.
PermSecDSIT: No, we have to coordinate the document submission to the Covid inquiry.
PaddyV: Including WhatsApp messages?
PermSecDSIT: Especially.
CallMeMrShapps: All of mine have been deleted… by my dog.
Rees-MoggGBNews: My phone fell in the sea.
PermSecDSIT: Neither of you were in scope for this department at the time.
Rees-MoggGBNews: Then why am I being included, as if I had something to do with the government?
PermSecDSIT: It is up to the inquiry to decide what is significant and what is unambiguously irrelevant.
SirGavinWill: Am I irrelevant?
AlokCop: Funny you should ask.
CallMeMrShapps: Didn’t you close schools, colleges and universities?
SirGavinWill: You closed the skies, or was that Dominic Raab who closed the sea?
WhittyC: Does it include this WhatsApp message? Asking for a friend.
KwasiKwart: I think my phone is dying… will have to buy a new one.
PermSecDSIT: No, just the messages during the pandemic.
AndreaLeadsom: I’ve got ones about Waitrose deliveries.
Solloway4Derby: I’m in a WhatsApp group that shares funny internet videos of cats.
PermSecDSIT: It’s only messages between government colleagues that count.
Solloway4Derby: To be honest, most of Beis are in the group… and Michelle Donelan.
MichelleDSIT: The cat videos? I thought they were from Sage.
CallMeMrShapps: I do hope those guys have to hand over their phones too. When I think of the advice they gave me.
SirGavinWill: Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, don’t talk to anyone, stand in the corner.
KwasiKwart: That was just you.
CallMeMrShapps: I wouldn’t want my sheets being seen by the public.
AndreaLeadsom: What sort of advice was Sage giving you?
CallMeMrShapps: I mean my spreadsheets from the leadership contests.
PermSecDSIT: They may be out of date.
SirGavinWill: Yes, everyone is backing Rishi… for the moment.
Solloway4Derby: Has anyone got hold of Neil Ferguson’s WhatsApps? Bet they make fun reading.
KwasiKwart: I don’t think any of us would want to be embarrassed in public.
CallMeMrShapps: I think the ship sailed on that one some time ago.
Rees-MoggGBNews: This is a gross invasion of privacy. What is the government doing to prevent disclosure?
PermSecDSIT: It was the government who set up the inquiry.
AndreaLeadsom: Can’t there be a judicial review?
WhittyC: I thought this government was against woke judges and activist lawyers.
Rees-MoggGBNews: It’s a flagrant breach of the Human Rights Act!
PaddyV: Don’t even know where to start on that one.
ProfVanTam: I have already handed over all my texts and messages.
PaddyV: And riveting they were—twenty-four months of chat about non-league football.
PermSecDSIT: It’s up to the inquiry to decide what is irrelevant.
ProfVanTam: To be fair, the committee on Trac data is pretty dull.
AngeMcLeanCSA: At least there is no one on here whose messages could prove super-embarrassing.
NadhimVaccines: They won’t want to see texts from my accountant, will they?
KwasiKwart: Will they look at the Liz Truss support group?
CallMeMrShapps: It was an internet marketing business, of course I’ve still got the messages.
SirGavinWill: I keep all the good stuff on a laptop, locked in a safe with Chronos the tarantula.
Rees-MoggGBNews: I’ve got a list of Brexit benefits… somewhere.
AndreaLeadsom: I’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.
Solloway4Derby: Don’t you remember that leadership contest?
PermSecDSIT: It’s up to the inquiry to decide. So, I’d like you all to hand over your phones to me and I’ll take them over to the Cabinet Office.
Rees-MoggGBNews: Who will lose them?
PermSecDSIT: I’ll get a receipt if you like.
Rees-MoggGBNews: No, I want them to lose it.
CallMeMrShapps: I thought you said it had fallen into the sea.
Rees-MoggGBNews: Lose it again, obviously.
KwasiKwart: This is just another example of the woke blob persecuting hard-working ministers who have never done any harm to this country.
Solloway4Derby: Awks.
AngeMcLeanCSA: It is vital that we learn lessons.
KwasiKwart: Real Conservatism has not yet been tried. Tax cuts are the right thing to do.
AngeMcLeanCSA: About Covid.
Rees-MoggGBNews: If there had been tax cuts there would not have been Covid.
ProfVanTam: Eh?
Rees-MoggGBNews: Just putting it out there.
CallMeMrShapps: I suppose it’s a theory.
PaddyV: 5G masts and Bill Gates sound like a more plausible theory.
AndreaLeadsom: Isn’t the government appealing?
SirGavinWill: Have you seen the polls?
AndreaLeadsom: Aren’t we suing the inquiry, or something?
FreemanScience: As I said on Question Time last night—hope you all watched it—the government is likely to lose its case.
NadhimVaccines: Yeah, thanks for that, helpful as ever.
Hancock#Celebrity: Hi guys, just heard the news. Sorry I’m late to the party.
MichelleDSIT: God, now we are in trouble.
Hancock#Celebrity: There’s nothing secret about my WhatsApps.
Solloway4Derby: We know, we’ve already read them.
PermSecDSIT: Isabel Oakeshott has handed them over.
Hancock#Celebrity: To the inquiry?
PermSecDSIT: To everyone.
Hancock#Celebrity: Oh, those ones. That’s OK, I’ve got plenty more.
NadhimVaccines: What about?
Hancock#Celebrity: PPE contracts.
NadhimVaccines: Oh god, we’re doomed.
Solloway4Derby: That ship has also sailed.
CallMeMrShapps: Do you have a spreadsheet?
Hancock#Celebrity: No, just the invoices.
CallMeMrShapps: Have you ever thought about doing an online introduction to marketing course? Very reasonable rates. I know this guy…
RishiPM: Afternoon everyone. Just wanted to bring you up to speed on the government’s position on the release of documents to the Covid inquiry.
PermSecDSIT: Are we going to comply by the deadline?
RishiPM: I think it’s really important that we learn the lessons of Covid and that’s why the inquiry was established, and we want to make sure that whatever lessons there are to be learned, that we do that in a spirit of transparency and candour. The government has cooperated with the inquiry—tens of thousands of documents have been handed over. And with regard to the specific question at the moment, the government’s carefully considering its position, but it’s confident in the approach that it has taken.
NadhimVaccines: So, you won’t be showing them my tax return?
RishiPM: It’s really important that we learn the lessons of Covid and whatever lessons there are to be learned should be learned and we have handed over tens of thousands of documents in a spirit of transparency and candour.
AlokCop: Is that yes or no?
RishiPM: Whatever lessons should be learned, and we do that in a spirit of transparency and candour with tens of thousands of documents. The government is carefully considering its position, but it’s confident in the approach that it has taken.
FreemanScience: To lose the court case?
RishiPM: Lessons, candour, tens of thousands, carefully considering its documents, confident position.
ProfVanTam: I think he’s broken.
WhittyC: Is he using an AI chat bot?
RishiPM: Confident lessons, tens of thousands of candour positions.
AngeMcLeanCSA: I think you are going to have to switch him off and on again.
PermSecDSIT: This is why you should always keep paper records. Alright, everyone hang up. Give it twenty minutes and we’ll try again.
Ends
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