Ivory Tower: It’s been a busy week for university media relations
Somewhere in SW1…
McCall [on the phone]: I know, it’s a rag, really… but what can you expect from the newspaper that gave us Hitler’s diaries…If it were up to me, I’d cancel our subscription. But you know how Alexander likes his crosswords. If he gets the Concise done in under half an hour, he thinks he’s Inspector Morse…Yes, we can prepare a firm rebuttal…Yes, we can include lots of compelling data…Graphs? Data visualisation does cost a little more these days, having installed our new industry-leading suite of AI analytic tools…It is well worth it…OK, we’ll do that straight away. A press release ready for this afternoon? Certainly…Yes, lovely to speak to you. Ciao, ciao. Love to Dame Sally. Ciao.
Juniper [at another desk]: Speaking to the Italian embassy?
McCall: A valued client…Janet! Janet!…Where is our trusted degree apprentice?
Juniper: I think you mean our industry-leading suite of AI analytic tools.
McCall: Yes, where is she?
[Enter Janet, carrying two mugs of tea and a pile of post.]
McCall: Janet, can you add another platinum-premium press release to the UUK account and see if you can dig out an old graph of international students’ contribution to the UK economy from a parliamentary report or something?
Janet: I’m busy.
McCall: Never too busy to learn invaluable skills in university media relations as part of your real-world, industry-facing degree experience, I hope.
Janet: It’s absolute chaos at the minute.
McCall: Is there sugar in this?
[Janet gives him a look. A phone rings and Juniper answers.]
Juniper: Hello, Juniper-McCall University Media Relations…Ben, how lovely to hear from you. Big Ben, Ben Nevis, the Benmeister…Yes, the front page was rather good. Real in-depth journalism there. Filming the agent was genius. The team will definitely be up for an award for that…Of course, happy to help. But prompt payment of our invoice is all the thanks we need, Ben…Confused degree entry requirements with international foundation years? Are you sure…? Sounds a bit odd. You know a lot of those people on Twitter aren’t real higher education experts. Some of them haven’t even got a degree…Embarrassing? I wouldn’t say so…Money back? Those are heavy words, Ben. You strike a dagger at my heart…Well, Mr Murdoch has every right to ask questions, but I thought he’d retired now…Well, I suspected that…Look, as a gesture of goodwill, I’ll give our industry-leading suite of artificial intelligence analytic tools a shake and see if we can come up with any data on equivalence between A-level results and these secret entry routes or foundation degrees, whatever they are calling them now…Yes, a front-page follow-up on Sunday should be doable…OK, something this afternoon. Love to Rupert…yes, and his lawyers…Ciao, ciao.
McCall: Trouble at mill?
Juniper: Not at all, an ideal scenario. Janet, can you add a gold executive AI search to the Sunday Times invoice and see if you can find a bar chart or something on student outcomes from foundation degrees in an old Hepi report?
Janet: I’m busy.
Juniper: Too busy to respond with imagination and urgency to the demands of an everyday office environment? Isn’t that the learning outcome for your module this term?
Janet: I’m surprised you bothered to read it.
McCall: Read it? He wrote it.
Juniper: National Standards in University Media Relations, degree apprenticeships, level four, or is it five? Where are you at now, Janet?
Janet: I’m up to here, and if you two don’t hire some more staff, I won’t be here on Monday morning.
McCall: More staff? In this economic climate? That would be reckless.
Janet: Well, at least take on another apprentice to make your tea.
Juniper: I’m afraid the universities are right, on the money the government gives, it’s just not viable to do more in apprenticeships.
McCall: Committed as we are to the training of young people.
Janet: I’m too busy for this nonsense. Either you get more staff or I quit.
Juniper: To consider something as significant as that, there would have to be a meeting of the board of directors.
Janet: Go on then.
Juniper: Now?
Janet: You are both here.
Juniper: Err, well…Oliver, what do you think?
McCall: Err…all things considered, when you look at the situation in the round, weighing up all factors and taking a step back for a moment to get the bigger picture…
[The phone rings, McCall answers.]
McCall: Thank God…No, I didn’t mean you, minister, although we do like to think of our ministers as godlike…Well, maybe demigods, walking on this earth among us mere mortals…Yes, I know you are not a minister anymore. I think the whole world knows that now…Well, I did say that Substack came with its own risks…But if you employ a sub-editor then it’s not really self-publishing, is it?…I agree, for a modest fee we could take a look at things before you press send. We do have an industry-leading suite of artificial intelligence analytic tools at your disposal…No, AI couldn’t have done something about the WhatsApp message. What were you thinking, uploading that letter to the One Nation group?…It’s not our fault, we found the three scientists willing to say you should get a knighthood…Listen, it will all blow over. I think there might be something big on the front page of the Sunday Times again, people will soon move on…Yes, the Keir Starmer jokes were very funny…By which I obviously mean deeply hurtful and misplaced…Well, if you really think it needs our diamond reputation management service, then we are happy to help. Especially now that you are not on that measly ministerial salary anymore…I’ll put you in the diary for lunch on Monday…Yes, Claridge’s, of course…OK, bye for now. Love to East Anglia. Ciao, ciao, ciao, bye.
Juniper: We could always try to get him his own science TV show. He could be the new Michael Portillo.
McCall: The new Philomena Cunk, more like.
Janet: I’m still here.
Juniper: Not found that bar chart then.
Janet: More staff or I quit.
McCall: Perhaps we could review your workload. Why is it you think you are too busy?
Janet: Think?
Juniper: As we know, perception is not evidence.
Janet: First, there is the all-channels campaign—which seems to mean me and a Facebook page—to encourage researchers to apply for Horizon Europe funding. Then there is the Labour Party education manifesto comms rapid-rebuttal package.
Juniper: How’s that going?
Janet: If anyone can explain to me what the policy is they want rebutted, then it would be a start.
McCall: Fair enough.
Janet: Next, there’s the Student Loans Company’s “oh no, Martin Lewis is on the telly again, don’t panic” package, which needs to go out tomorrow. There’s the job spec and headhunting of the next chief executive of UKRI.
McCall: Let me make a note for lunch on Monday…UKRI CEO…What’s the salary on that? [Checks notes] No, he couldn’t pay for his garden shed on that.
Janet: Then there is the Dsit Kick Woke Out of Science campaign, which I haven’t even started on. Photo opportunities for the UCU general secretary election. And the email is full of requests from universities, from the Highlands to the white cliffs of Dover, asking how to sack people without it appearing in the newspapers. Then there is the tax return and company accounts…
McCall: I thought you did those, Alexander.
Juniper: I just thought Janet might be interested in taking it on as a learning experience.
Janet: So, if you don’t get some more hands on board, I’m leaving.
McCall: Do you think artificial intelligence might help?
Janet: I’ve already got you two.
Juniper: Office space in central London is at a premium. Expansion would come with a considerable overhead. There’s no point wanting more colleagues today only to be standing in the dole queue with them tomorrow.
Janet: I’ve got another offer.
McCall: Where? It’s not Tufton Street, is it? You know they are a lot of unscrupulous gaslighters…Don’t look at me like that…Very well, they are an even more unscrupulous lot of gaslighters.
Janet: Aldi.
Juniper: I don’t know them, are they a startup?
Janet: They are a supermarket. They pay more. I’d have no travel costs, no commuting, and I could pop in to see my mum after work.
Juniper: If retail is your choice, then who are we to stand in the way of youthful ambition? After all this company has done for you in pioneering this national qualification at the forefront of collaboration between business and the skills revolution, during this challenging time of economic rebuilding.
Janet: And you get a 15 per cent staff discount on groceries.
McCall: OK, I agree, we need more staff.
Juniper: Those are heavy words, Oliver, you hold a dagger to my heart.
McCall: Oh, be quiet a minute, you old ham. Let me phone the minister, see if he wants to be on the front page of the Telegraph celebrating a new, fully funded pilot scheme for apprenticeships in our growth industries.
Juniper: Like, university media relations?
McCall: Exactly.
Juniper: How does that sound, Janet?
Janet: I want two.
Juniper: I can see the press release now, “Juniper-McCall, where apprentices thrive”.
McCall: Where they don’t just get in, they get on.
Janet: Suppose you’ll be wanting a fresh brew then.
McCall: Thank you, Janet, or should I say, senior degree apprentice?
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