Ivory Tower: Exclusive access to the government universities and research WhatsApp group
DowdenDeputyPM: As you all know, there could be an election this year.
Halfon4Harlow: Could be?
DowdenDeputyPM: I’m not at liberty to say.
GriffithDSIT: Please make it stop.
DowdenDeputyPM: We need to be prepared for all eventualities, so the PM has asked me to pull together manifesto ideas for each policy area. This is the WhatsApp list for the Conservative Party’s universities and research brains trust.
LizzieCPAC: Brains Truss, that’s me.
GriffithDSIT: Please make it stop.
Halfon4Harlow: What is she doing on here?
DowdenDeputyPM: The list is for everyone who has served as an education or science minister.
Halfon4Harlow: Everyone?
AndreaJenkyns2024: Everyone.
GriffithDSIT: Please make it stop.
DowdenDeputyPM: I want you all to throw out ideas for our manifesto. What will you be doing for the next five years?
FreemanScience: I’m in discussions with a production company about a TV series.
Halfon4Harlow: I’ve only got a majority of 7,031, so I’m thinking about retraining.
GriffithDSIT: Now we know why you are so keen on skills bootcamps.
FreemanScience: What did you do before you were an MP?
Halfon4Harlow: I used to work for Oliver Letwin.
GriffithDSIT: Does he have a job for you?
Halfon4Harlow: I doubt it, he went with the Brexit purges.
FreemanScience: Are they still doing those bootcamps for lorry drivers?
Halfon4Harlow: I’m not delivering anything.
GriffithDSIT: We know that. Typical of you guys in education.
Keegan4Chichester: Some of us are doing a frigging good job.
AndreaJenkyns2024: Are you still here? I thought you’d been banned from talking.
Keegan4Chichester: Only in public.
DowdenDeputyPM: Perhaps, as the secretary of state, you could start the conversation.
Keegan4Chichester: OK, what’s your TV series about George?
FreemanScience: It’s a tour of the science infrastructure of the UK. I travel around and meet scientists who are making a difference.
GriffithDSIT: This Clustered Isle.
Halfon4Harlow: Sounds like an accurate description.
AndreaJenkyns2024: Maybe you could drive him Robert, once you’ve got your HGV licence.
FreemanScience: I’ll actually be doing a lot of travelling by train, like Michael Portillo does on his documentaries.
Keegan4Chichester: Then you’ll experience first-hand exactly how clustered this isle is.
ShappsMOD: As a former transport secretary, I take exception to people running down our railways.
Keegan4Chichester: Because that was your job?
Halfon4Harlow: What’s Michael Green doing on here?
AndreaJenkyns2024: Are we sure it’s really him, not Corinne Stockheath or Sebastian Fox?
GriffithDSIT: Isn’t he the one who was sacked from GB News?
AndreaJenkyns2024: That’s Laurence Fox.
LizzieCPAC: A hero to many.
AndreaJenkyns2024: Are you sure you’re not thinking of Tommy Robinson?
LizzieCPAC: …
ShappsMOD: I was also business secretary and in charge of R&D for a while.
AndreaJenkyns2024: For a week?
ShappsMOD: Three months.
AndreaJenkyns2024: I was skills minister for four months.
Suella4PM: He was home secretary for six days.
ShappsMOD: Pot, kettle…
GriffithDSIT: Please make it stop.
Keegan4Chichester: Why don’t you call it The Damn Clusters?
GriffithDSIT: You could fly everywhere in a Lancaster bomber.
LizzieCPAC: With Tommy Robinson.
FreemanScience: I don’t want to be associated with that, thank you.
AndreaJenkyns2024: You hate Britain so much you won’t fly in a Lancaster bomber?
FreemanScience: This is ridiculous.
Braverman4PM: There’s nothing ridiculous about saying extremists have taken over the institutions of this country.
FreemanScience: Like the Conservative Party?
Braverman4PM: Like our universities.
Keegan4Chichester: I quite agree.
Halfon4Harlow: Really?
Keegan4Chichester: I’ve met some of these vice-chancellors. Extremist doesn’t go far enough. There was one guy who is closing every department except Life Sciences…
GriffithDSIT: What’s Suella doing on here anyway?
DowdenDeputyPM: Since Chris Skidmore left, we are quite low on numbers. We don’t even have Matt Hancock anymore.
GriffithDSIT: It’s not all bad news then.
Braverman4PM: The Islamists and the antisemites are running our campuses now.
Halfon4Harlow: I thought it was Sodexo and Capita.
DowdenDeputyPM: Look, this isn’t helping. Where’s the science secretary?
DonelanSoS: I’m in the UAE.
AndreaJenkyns2024: You’ve joined a union?
DonelanSoS: No, I’m in the Emirates.
Halfon4Harlow: Didn’t have you down as an Arsenal fan, Michelle.
DonelanSoS: The United Arab Emirates.
ShappsMOD: Getting tips on eliminating woke science?
SollowayWhipO: She’s in Abu Dhabi? When I was science minister, I never got further than actual Derby.
DowdenDeputyPM: Can I ask, why you are in the UAE?
DonelanSoS: Wait a minute, I’ll ask Kemi Badenoch and Greg Hands, they’re here too.
DowdenDeputyPM: Why?
DonelanSoS: Apparently, it’s something to do with artificial intelligence.
AndreaJenkyns2024: Well, that explains why they are there, but what about you?
DonelanSoS: It’s definitely got nothing to do with the UAE government’s bid for the Telegraph and Spectator.
GriffithDSIT: Quite right, the Telegraph should not be the voice of a discredited and illiberal government.
DowdenDeputyPM: Unless it’s us.
Gillian4Chichester: How long are you in the UAE for?
DonelanSoS: Just two days.
Gillian4Chester: So, longer than you were at the DfE.
Braverman4PM: Did you read my piece in the Telegraph about the Islamists taking over institutions?
LizzieCPAC: Hero.
ShappsMOD: This is literally an undemocratic regime in the Middle East that wants to take over the Telegraph and the Spectator, the house magazine of the Conservative Party.
Braverman4PM: But they are not extremists.
Keegan4Chichester: The Telegraph? They published you.
DowdenDeputyPM: Please, this is not helping. Does anyone have any ideas about higher education?
FreemanScience: There could be a follow-up TV series in which I visit universities.
AndreaJenkyns2024: In a Lancaster bomber.
GriffithDSIT: Make sure it’s not loaded.
DonelanSoS: Don’t worry, the universities are already in ruins.
ShappsMOD: I don’t think we could spare a Lancaster bomber. After all the cuts to the Air Force, it’s probably state-of-the-art now.
DowdenDeputyPM: Focus people. Does anyone have any ideas about the UK science base?
AndreaJenkyns2024: Is that like a moon base?
GriffithDSIT: Could Michelle ask if the UAE wants to buy it?
AndreaJenkyns2024: A moon base? Why would they want to buy a difficult-to-fill space with zero atmosphere conditions?
Halfon4Harlow: They bought Manchester City, didn’t they?
Suella4PM: Extremists on the moon?
GriffithDSIT: Is that the title of the manifesto?
LizzieCPAC: Heroes.
RishiPM: Sorry I’m late, hope you’ve been generating wizard ideas for me to do in the next five years.
AndreaJenkyns2024: I can think of a few.
DonelanSoS: Prime minister, I thought you were not much of a user.
RishiPM: That’s Michael Gove.
DonelanSoS: No, didn’t you tell the Covid inquiry that you don’t use WhatsApp?
ShappsMOD: Having lost your phone, so many times.
RishiPM: Err… delete everything when you’ve finished.
GriffithDSIT: Is that the title of the manifesto?
FreemanScience: I’ve got one idea for the next parliament.
DowdenDeputyPM: Thank goodness, let’s hear it.
FreemanScience: Cyber resilience and data backup checks.
GriffithDSIT: For research institutes?
FreemanScience: For MPs and party leaders.
Suella4PM: Would that prevent the extremists from being in charge?
Halfon4Harlow: Not if you’ve got anything to do with it.
DonelanSoS: Isn’t it a bit woke?
LizzieCPAC: Yeah, why can’t cyber stand on its own two feet? Why does it need backing up?
GriffithDSIT: Please make it stop.
Halfon4Harlow: Maybe they could do a digital skills bootcamp.
AndreaJenkyns2024: Your next job could be in cyber, you just don’t know it.
GriffithDSIT: Was the HGV course full?
RishiPM: Has anyone come up with any ideas at all?
FreemanScience: This Clustered Isle.
RishiPM: Love it, great title for the manifesto. Copy it down Oliver and delete all messages. Bye everyone, I’ve got a helicopter to catch.
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