Mr Sunak in the hall

Ivory Tower: the pilot episode of a new US campus sitcom

An office at Stamforth University, California, Fall 2025

Caretaker: Here’s the room, needs fixing up.

[He sweeps some cobwebs off the desk and opens the curtains to let the light in on a dust-filled room]

Caretaker: What did you say your name was?

Rishi: Sunak, Professor Sunak.

Caretaker: Everyone is a professor round here, or a vice-president. Where did you say you were from?

Rishi: The UK.

Caretaker: Is that like England?

Rishi: Kind of, don’t tell the Scottish.

Caretaker: I’m Irish.

Rishi: Oh, what part of Ireland are you from?

Caretaker: Kentucky.

Rishi: I fixed the Irish border with the Windsor accord.

Caretaker: Was that the one about Andrew or the one about Kate? What did you say you did before?

Rishi: I was the prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

Caretaker: Are you the election wipe-out guy? Left with 15 MPs? I saw that on PBS.

Rishi: Perhaps, the election result was suboptimal.

Caretaker: How did the British prime minister get a job at Stamforth?

Rishi: I’ve got a Green Card.

Caretaker: Is that even possible?

Rishi: It’s complicated.

Caretaker: Well, you’ll fit right in here. There are more former European politicians walking around campus than humanities majors. The ex-prime minister of Finland is bussing tables in the refectory. I think they are called the vice-president of catering.

[Enter the head of department and another new member of staff]

HoD: And this will be your office… Oh, I see Moose is here already to make it ready for you. Not finished Moose?

Caretaker: No one told me there would be new professors, Dr Brooks. This is the last room in the building; it hasn’t been used since Professor Laing passed away.

HoD: How sad, before my time, what happened to him?

Caretaker: He lost a lot of stock in the crash and died of shock.

HoD: 2008, seems like yesterday.

Caretaker: 1929, he was our first head of department.

HoD: Well, perhaps you and your assistant could finish cleaning the room.

Caretaker: I ain’t had any help since Jimmy Carter.

HoD: Well, I’ve told you about talking to students while working. Young man, don’t you have a class to go to?

Rishi: Actually, there’s been a misunderstanding.

HoD: This is a university, there should be no misunderstanding here. What are you studying?

Rishi: No, I’m a teacher.

HoD: Ah, you must be the teaching assistant, good of you to be here to meet Professor Trudeau.

Rishi: Justin Trudeau?

Justin: Professor Trudeau… you seem very familiar. Were you on our intern programme?

Rishi: No.

HoD: Yes, we are very lucky to have Justin with us this semester, after the election result in Canada last year.

Caretaker: Oh, you’re the election wipe-out guy.

Justin: 10 seats was above expectations.

Rishi: I got 15.

Justin: The Canadian Independence for Bigfoot Party got 15.

HoD: You’re not one of those conspiracy theorists, are you?

Caretaker: I just couldn’t vote for Biden.

HoD: No, you, young man, this is a university in California; we take equality, diversity, and inclusion very seriously.

Rishi: Crumbs.

HoD: If you ever see any racist or sexist behaviour, you’ll be expected to call it out.

Rishi: Really?

HoD: Or face the sack. I tell you, even if one of our big donors gave us $10 million and was shown to have said something racist, we would drop them like a stone and give the money back.

Rishi: Golly.

HoD: Right, I’ll leave you and Professor Trudeau to get acquainted. I’ve got to find out what’s happened to this new limey professor who hasn’t turned up yet.

Rishi: Sunak?

Justin: Wow, not the election wipe-out guy?

HoD: Yes, the provost was keen that we found something for him to do, can’t imagine why. Apparently, he was cheap. He already had a Green Card.

Justin: How is that even possible?

Rishi: It’s complicated.

HoD: That’s what Moose said about Biden.

Caretaker: Let me clear things up.

Rishi: Thank goodness.

HoD: I don’t want to go through all that with you again, Moose.

Caretaker: No, I mean clear up this office. We’re going to need another desk.

Rishi: I thought you were going to…

HoD: I don’t think Professor Trudeau will want to share his office with an instructor.

Justin: God, no. Don’t they have their own room? No, offence. What was your name again?

Rishi: It’s…

[Enter the Provost]

Provost: Rishi Sunak!

HoD: Is he here now? I’ll meet him in my office.

Provost: How are you, Rishi?

Rishi: Still a bit jet lagged.

HoD: You’re Rishi Sunak?

Justin: I knew I recognised you from somewhere.

Rishi: The G8 summit?

Justin: Time Magazine’s flops of the year.

Caretaker: Weren’t you third?

Justin: Fourth.

Provost: You must come to dinner Rishi and bring Akshata.

Rishi: She hasn’t arrived yet, she’s still in London.

Provost: I’ve just remembered, the university chef is on holiday until… when did you say Akshata arrives?

Rishi: The 20th.

Provost: Perfect, that’s exactly when the chef is back too.

Rishi: Perhaps we could have a coffee before then.

Provost: I’ll look at my diary. You know what it’s like, busy, busy, busy.

HoD: Is that Akshata Murty as in the Akshata Murty Business and Technology Lab that has just opened. She’s one of our biggest donors.

Provost: Is she? I hadn’t realised.

HoD: I see what’s going on.

Justin: Maybe I could come to dinner too.

Provost: But we’ve met many times, Professor Trudeau.

Justin: No, I want to meet Akshata too. I’ve got a question to ask her about my foundation.

Rishi: She gets so many begging letters from bogus charities.

Justin: The Justin Trudeau Foundation for Global Literacy and World Goodness is not a bogus charity. It’s a think tank for international influencers, with tax-free charitable status.

Rishi: Maybe I could send you a bottle of House of Commons wine to raffle.

Justin: I think Akshata will be interested in our work, especially now that her husband is going to be my teaching assistant.

Rishi: I am not the instructor.

Caretaker: That was clear after the Frank Hester affair.

HoD: The what?

Caretaker: It was on PBS. That party donor who Mr Sunak here refused to condemn for obvious racism.

Rishi: I thought you voted for Trump.

Caretaker: Kennedy Jr. I told you it was complicated.

HoD: Failed to condemn obvious racism? What did this guy say?

[Moose leans over and whispers in the head of department’s ear. They turn pale and their jaw drops as they hear the detail.]

HoD: Mr Sunak, tell me this is not true.

Sunak: Professor Sunak?

HoD: No one can be a professor at Stamforth who fails to condemn such obvious racism.

Provost: Let’s not be so hasty, here, Dr Brooks. I’m sure Rishi has said the right thing.

Rishi: What that man said was wrong.

HoD: In what way?

Rishi: It was inappropriate.

Caretaker: Just like the Lee Anderson affair.

HoD: Lee who?

[Moose leans over and whispers in the head of department’s ear. They turn even paler, and their jaw drops further as they hear the detail.]

HoD: Mr Sunak can this be true?

Justin: I can’t believe the prime minster of a Western democracy would not call out obvious racism.

Caretaker: You literally blacked-up for a fancy-dress party.

HoD: Professor Trudeau?

Justin: I apologised, and people should accept that.

Rishi: Exactly, the donor apologised, and we moved on.

Rector: A good principle. Let’s all move on.

HoD: But you gave the money back?

Rishi: Well, err, not exactly.

Rector: When the money is spent, the money is spent, right Rishi?

HoD: I must protest. My staff and students will not be prepared to accept donations from the wife of a British Archie Bunker or to be taught by a Canadian Al Jolson.

Rector: Dr Brooks, Dr, Dr, Dr… I need to head off now or I’ll be late for the professorial appointments committee, which I chair. I’ve always thought we’ve overlooked your precious contribution to the university.

HoD: Really?

Rector: Perhaps, you’d like to walk with me over to the meeting. It’s in the Akshata Murty Administration Building.

HoD: I’m with you all the way.

[They leave]

Caretaker: I’ll get another desk. Who wants to sit by the window?

Rishi and Justin, together: I do… no me… me…

[Titles]

Terms of use: this is a free email for fun on a Friday. It should be passed to colleagues like media appearances to explain why a party donor was wrong but not racist. Want to order a season pass for Mr Sunak in the hall? Want to say hello? Email ivorytower@researchresearch.com