Ivory Tower: the pilot episode of a new US campus sitcom
An office at Stamforth University, California, Fall 2025
Caretaker: Here’s the room, needs fixing up.
[He sweeps some cobwebs off the desk and opens the curtains to let the light in on a dust-filled room]
Caretaker: What did you say your name was?
Rishi: Sunak, Professor Sunak.
Caretaker: Everyone is a professor round here, or a vice-president. Where did you say you were from?
Rishi: The UK.
Caretaker: Is that like England?
Rishi: Kind of, don’t tell the Scottish.
Caretaker: I’m Irish.
Rishi: Oh, what part of Ireland are you from?
Caretaker: Kentucky.
Rishi: I fixed the Irish border with the Windsor accord.
Caretaker: Was that the one about Andrew or the one about Kate? What did you say you did before?
Rishi: I was the prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
Caretaker: Are you the election wipe-out guy? Left with 15 MPs? I saw that on PBS.
Rishi: Perhaps, the election result was suboptimal.
Caretaker: How did the British prime minister get a job at Stamforth?
Rishi: I’ve got a Green Card.
Caretaker: Is that even possible?
Rishi: It’s complicated.
Caretaker: Well, you’ll fit right in here. There are more former European politicians walking around campus than humanities majors. The ex-prime minister of Finland is bussing tables in the refectory. I think they are called the vice-president of catering.
[Enter the head of department and another new member of staff]
HoD: And this will be your office… Oh, I see Moose is here already to make it ready for you. Not finished Moose?
Caretaker: No one told me there would be new professors, Dr Brooks. This is the last room in the building; it hasn’t been used since Professor Laing passed away.
HoD: How sad, before my time, what happened to him?
Caretaker: He lost a lot of stock in the crash and died of shock.
HoD: 2008, seems like yesterday.
Caretaker: 1929, he was our first head of department.
HoD: Well, perhaps you and your assistant could finish cleaning the room.
Caretaker: I ain’t had any help since Jimmy Carter.
HoD: Well, I’ve told you about talking to students while working. Young man, don’t you have a class to go to?
Rishi: Actually, there’s been a misunderstanding.
HoD: This is a university, there should be no misunderstanding here. What are you studying?
Rishi: No, I’m a teacher.
HoD: Ah, you must be the teaching assistant, good of you to be here to meet Professor Trudeau.
Rishi: Justin Trudeau?
Justin: Professor Trudeau… you seem very familiar. Were you on our intern programme?
Rishi: No.
HoD: Yes, we are very lucky to have Justin with us this semester, after the election result in Canada last year.
Caretaker: Oh, you’re the election wipe-out guy.
Justin: 10 seats was above expectations.
Rishi: I got 15.
Justin: The Canadian Independence for Bigfoot Party got 15.
HoD: You’re not one of those conspiracy theorists, are you?
Caretaker: I just couldn’t vote for Biden.
HoD: No, you, young man, this is a university in California; we take equality, diversity, and inclusion very seriously.
Rishi: Crumbs.
HoD: If you ever see any racist or sexist behaviour, you’ll be expected to call it out.
Rishi: Really?
HoD: Or face the sack. I tell you, even if one of our big donors gave us $10 million and was shown to have said something racist, we would drop them like a stone and give the money back.
Rishi: Golly.
HoD: Right, I’ll leave you and Professor Trudeau to get acquainted. I’ve got to find out what’s happened to this new limey professor who hasn’t turned up yet.
Rishi: Sunak?
Justin: Wow, not the election wipe-out guy?
HoD: Yes, the provost was keen that we found something for him to do, can’t imagine why. Apparently, he was cheap. He already had a Green Card.
Justin: How is that even possible?
Rishi: It’s complicated.
HoD: That’s what Moose said about Biden.
Caretaker: Let me clear things up.
Rishi: Thank goodness.
HoD: I don’t want to go through all that with you again, Moose.
Caretaker: No, I mean clear up this office. We’re going to need another desk.
Rishi: I thought you were going to…
HoD: I don’t think Professor Trudeau will want to share his office with an instructor.
Justin: God, no. Don’t they have their own room? No, offence. What was your name again?
Rishi: It’s…
[Enter the Provost]
Provost: Rishi Sunak!
HoD: Is he here now? I’ll meet him in my office.
Provost: How are you, Rishi?
Rishi: Still a bit jet lagged.
HoD: You’re Rishi Sunak?
Justin: I knew I recognised you from somewhere.
Rishi: The G8 summit?
Justin: Time Magazine’s flops of the year.
Caretaker: Weren’t you third?
Justin: Fourth.
Provost: You must come to dinner Rishi and bring Akshata.
Rishi: She hasn’t arrived yet, she’s still in London.
Provost: I’ve just remembered, the university chef is on holiday until… when did you say Akshata arrives?
Rishi: The 20th.
Provost: Perfect, that’s exactly when the chef is back too.
Rishi: Perhaps we could have a coffee before then.
Provost: I’ll look at my diary. You know what it’s like, busy, busy, busy.
HoD: Is that Akshata Murty as in the Akshata Murty Business and Technology Lab that has just opened. She’s one of our biggest donors.
Provost: Is she? I hadn’t realised.
HoD: I see what’s going on.
Justin: Maybe I could come to dinner too.
Provost: But we’ve met many times, Professor Trudeau.
Justin: No, I want to meet Akshata too. I’ve got a question to ask her about my foundation.
Rishi: She gets so many begging letters from bogus charities.
Justin: The Justin Trudeau Foundation for Global Literacy and World Goodness is not a bogus charity. It’s a think tank for international influencers, with tax-free charitable status.
Rishi: Maybe I could send you a bottle of House of Commons wine to raffle.
Justin: I think Akshata will be interested in our work, especially now that her husband is going to be my teaching assistant.
Rishi: I am not the instructor.
Caretaker: That was clear after the Frank Hester affair.
HoD: The what?
Caretaker: It was on PBS. That party donor who Mr Sunak here refused to condemn for obvious racism.
Rishi: I thought you voted for Trump.
Caretaker: Kennedy Jr. I told you it was complicated.
HoD: Failed to condemn obvious racism? What did this guy say?
[Moose leans over and whispers in the head of department’s ear. They turn pale and their jaw drops as they hear the detail.]
HoD: Mr Sunak, tell me this is not true.
Sunak: Professor Sunak?
HoD: No one can be a professor at Stamforth who fails to condemn such obvious racism.
Provost: Let’s not be so hasty, here, Dr Brooks. I’m sure Rishi has said the right thing.
Rishi: What that man said was wrong.
HoD: In what way?
Rishi: It was inappropriate.
Caretaker: Just like the Lee Anderson affair.
HoD: Lee who?
[Moose leans over and whispers in the head of department’s ear. They turn even paler, and their jaw drops further as they hear the detail.]
HoD: Mr Sunak can this be true?
Justin: I can’t believe the prime minster of a Western democracy would not call out obvious racism.
Caretaker: You literally blacked-up for a fancy-dress party.
HoD: Professor Trudeau?
Justin: I apologised, and people should accept that.
Rishi: Exactly, the donor apologised, and we moved on.
Rector: A good principle. Let’s all move on.
HoD: But you gave the money back?
Rishi: Well, err, not exactly.
Rector: When the money is spent, the money is spent, right Rishi?
HoD: I must protest. My staff and students will not be prepared to accept donations from the wife of a British Archie Bunker or to be taught by a Canadian Al Jolson.
Rector: Dr Brooks, Dr, Dr, Dr… I need to head off now or I’ll be late for the professorial appointments committee, which I chair. I’ve always thought we’ve overlooked your precious contribution to the university.
HoD: Really?
Rector: Perhaps, you’d like to walk with me over to the meeting. It’s in the Akshata Murty Administration Building.
HoD: I’m with you all the way.
[They leave]
Caretaker: I’ll get another desk. Who wants to sit by the window?
Rishi and Justin, together: I do… no me… me…
[Titles]
Terms of use: this is a free email for fun on a Friday. It should be passed to colleagues like media appearances to explain why a party donor was wrong but not racist. Want to order a season pass for Mr Sunak in the hall? Want to say hello? Email ivorytower@researchresearch.com